Fading.HS.

12.

I wish I could say I woke up realising that it was all a terrible nightmare that I would forget but it wasn't, there was several reminders of the night, it was evident my memory was correct from the ache in my stomach too the fact I remained naked.

It was school today, which obviously I dreaded but I wasn't about to stay here, in this room which was a constant reminder of what happened. But first I needed to shower, I walked into the shower and soaked for over an hour but I wasn't clean.  I thought about the bottle of bleach I knew was under the sink but I also knew It would not make me clean, no matter how much I scrubbed nothing would make me feel less dirty.

I had a long time before school as it had just turned seven and I didn't intent to look nice. I wore no makeup and left my hair wet, I considered wearing joggers but I knew i'd get told off and I wasn't feeling any confrentation at this point so I wore some black jeans and a shirt with some converse, it wasn't a nice outfit, at all but at that point I just wanted to be covered. 

I left the house knowing no one was awake and that was my intention, I wasn't sure if Jenny had arrived home but I didn't care to check. I walked to a chemist that had just opened for the day to get the mooring after pill as I was off the pill for quite some time. Then I slowly walked to school,   so slow in fact as I arrived others did too, it wasn't so early anymore. The walk in was painful and the ache between my legs was unbearable, I focused on the short walk to form until I spotted Daisy outside the room, I tried to avoid eye contact but she saw me and ran over giving me sympathetic eyes

"I'm so sorry are you alright?" I must have looked so confused, how could she know?

"What are you talking about?" I said with concern and teary eyes,

"you know, not being able to come pick you up, i'm so sorry if I knew I wouldn't have drank" she said genuinely caring,

"Oh know that was't your responsibility but thank you for getting Harry to come get me" I said with watery eyes, I hoped she wouldn't notice, but she did

"Then whats wrong? Are you alright?" and with her soft words I began to cry, not softly.

I sobbed as she lead me to the empty girls toilets and attempted to speak but my sobbing overpowered her words,

"What happened Annie?" 

I didn't reply. I continued to sob.

"Look, if you tell me I can make it better" But she couldn't.

I wanted desperately to tell her everything, I wanted to confide in her; I needed to trust her, and wasn't able to let the words slip from my lips. The phrase 'I was raped' was foreign. How could I tell someone something I was trying so desperately not to believe. 

So I left. Without a word from my lips I walked out, letting the  door slam behind me. I was a vision of emptiness.

I walked into class staying silent, my legs shook as I desperately tried to act normal. But it was as if I'd lost my normality or my humanity, in that second I stopped crying. My vision was blurred and my head was dizzy. It was as though I was a plant, I was able to function but unable to feel, I appeared normal, I grew, breathed and stood tall but I wasn't able to comprehend sadness. 

.....

I spent the rest of the day in silence. Few people attempted to speak to, probable due to my revolting appearance but the people who tried were met with a rather aggressive glare. I was just about to leave when someone grabbed my shoulder, they grabbed it in a place that was largely bruised, a screech left my lips at once before I turned. The figure in front of me was Harry, he looked confused and concerned. I tried to turn at once and walk away but he shouted my name, almost every part of me wanted to keep walking but I couldn't, It was like we were magnets and the more I tried to repel the more we would attract,

"whats wrong? Are you alright? I was just trying to offer you a ride home" he looked so worried for me but I had to pretend I was alright or he'd never let this go,

"Yeah I'm fine you scared me that's all" I replied with as much of a smile as possible but he didn't seem to buy it,

"You looked in pain" he said letting curiosity get the best of him,

"No I think I slept weird" he still didn't seem convinced so I attempted t change the subject,

"So can I have that ride?"

He smiled at me and gestured for me to follow. His car was close so the walk was short and silent, I sat in the car but Harry didn't start it he merely looked at me before softly speaking,

"You know you can talk to me right? You can trust me" 

"Yeah I know but i'm fine" I tried to be confident, he shook his head before speaking,

"Daisy told me you were upset today. I know it's true I can see it in your eyes, when you talk it's like you're not really there" my eyes started to water but I remained silent. He put his arm around me while I cried and I felt safe at last, he stroked my hair for a while whilst I nuzzled my head into his neck. Through tears words escaped my mouth,

"It was bad, it was really bad" thats all I said before he started the car and we began to move. 

"You're staying at mine, I will not let you be alone right now" his words weren't harsh, they were meaningful and strong. I felt weird agreeing but going home didn't seem like an option,

"Ok can I get some stuff from home"

"Of course."

We arrived at my house and I asked Harry to come in with me,

"Wow this place is bare, like no offence but it doesn't even look lived in"

"Yeah I know it's awful"

He followed me to my room and sat on my bed while I roughly packed meaningless objects into a bag. I saw his eyes looking at the old pictures on my wall, I looked happy. There were pictures with old friends and Josh, in them I was sat on his lap and hugging him, we were looking at each other with bright eyes and innocent smiles but it was all a lie.

"You used to be blonde" he said ignoring the pictures I knew he was staring at.

"Yeah it was a big regret" i said before pointing to the door,

"Shouldn't you leave a note or something?"

"No they won't notice it's fine" he seemed to get an unspoken message to not dig deeper, but in that moment I kind of wanted him to.