It was so easy to leave me behind, wasn't it?
I pressed the send button as soon as I hit my bed. I am not expecting him to reply. For the past four months na inignora niya ako, nasanay na ako. I will just keep on texting him. Sending him the things I felt. The questions I wanted to ask.
I was surprised when I received a response from him. This is the first time after four months, eleven days and thirteen hours.
Move on, Sunny. Just let me go. I don't love you anymore. I'm inlove with somebody else.
And he thought it was that easy.
True, sincere love, does not die in four months time, Aki. If I could just unlove you, I would. You could kill me and you can't still spare me this misery.
Hindi na siya nagreply pa. And I was left reading his message again and again. He fell out of love. Asking me to let him go because he's inlove with somebody else. Binasa ko lang iyon ng paulit-ulit hanggang sa namanhid na ako. Hanggang sa wala nang tumulong luha. Hanggang sa wala na akong mailabas na emosyon.
This must be the closure that I've been waiting for. This must be it. Yung sa kanya na mismo manggaling na pakawalan ko na siya. Hayaan ko na siyang sumaya sa iba.
Tatlong taon ng pagsasama namin, parang walang bakas ng problema. Oo minsan may mga tampuhan pero naaayos din namin. We were a fucking happy couple. We compliment each other, we are compatible. I loved him with all that I've got. He's my first in everything.
He made me feel the strange feelings I've never felt. Achilles made me feel loved and taken care of, the same way I loved and cared for him. Nasasakyan namin ang mood ng isa't-isa. Sa kanya ko pinaikot ang mundo ko. Tatlong taon na trabaho-bahay-Achilles lang ang buhay ko. Tatlong taon na nawala sa isang iglap dahil bigla na lang siyang nagising isang araw na hindi na niya ako mahal.
Posible pala 'yon? Falling out of love? Akala ko kasi dati, when you fall in love, you can never fall out of it. You stay in love, maybe you just want to breathe out, but you never fall out of it.
A friend of mine told me one time that love is a choice. You don't choose whom to fall for, but you choose to stay in love if you want to and you choose to fall out of it if you want to. Sabi niya, kung mahal ka ng isang tao, kahit nakikita niya yung flaws mo, he will still choose to stay in love with you because he loves you. Minsan naman, kahit mahal ka niya, kung nagsasawa na siya at sobra na ang familiarity sa inyong dalawa, he will choose to fall out of it.
The amount of time I cried over him is insane. Maybe because even after he broke me, I still chose to stay inlove with him. I still chose to hold on to what I felt for him. Na kahit ilang beses niya akong basagin, paulit-ulit pa rin akong kukuha ng glue at idikit-dikit ulit iyon pabalik. Kahit magkanda-sugat sugat pa ako, kahit na hindi na ako ganun kabuo, ibibigay ko pa rin sa kanya ang natitirang ako.
That's how much I loved Achilles. Handa akong ibigay lahat ng meron ako. Lahat ng kung ano ako. Kaya siguro nahirapan akong pakawalan siya kasi binigay ko sa kanya lahat, wala akong itinira sa sarili ko. Na nung umalis siya, tangay niya lahat ng meron ako, buong pagkatao ko.
My family and friends have been telling me non-stop to let him go pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko kaya, kasi siguro umaasa ako na babalik pa siya, na nabigla lang siya at babalik din siya, na gusto ko pagbalik niya, nandito pa rin ako, naghihintay.
But now that he's the one asking me to let him go, I realize that I've really lost the battle. Siguro noong umpisa pa lang, talo na talaga ako. Nung araw na umalis siya, talo na talaga ako. Hindi ko lang natanggap. Naging indenial lang ako.
After all, I was the only one fighting even if I already know that I will lose in the end. Now, I ended up wounded and I have to let myself heal. I have to pick my broken pieces and make sure that this time, no one would shatter me the way he did.
Lesson learned? When you love, know when to stop. Know when to walk away.
