I realized that I am terrible at letting things go.
Hindi naman kasi ganun kadaling itapon ang tatlong taon. Kahit saang sulok ng condo ako tumingin, siya lang lagi ang nakikita ko. Pagpasok ko ng CR, makikita ko doon yung mga gamit niya katabi ng mga gamit kong pampaligo. His shampoo next to mine, his soap beside my soap, kahit ang toothbrush niya na ka-partner ng toothbrush ko.
Sa kusina, makikita ko yung apron niya na katerno ng apron ko. He always find time to cook for me, for us. Sa sala, nandoon ang couch kung saan madalas nakaupo siya at ako, nakahiga sa hita niya habang nanonood ng trip niyang pelikula. We were so good together. So. Fucking. Good.
Then, one day, he moved out. He moved out of the house and out of my life. The house felt empty. My life was left empty.
Sabi niya ako lang. Sabi niya hindi siya magsasawa sa akin. He said he can't imagine tomorrow without me. He promised me he will never leave me. But then, promises are made to be broken. He broke his promise the same way he broke my heart.
I begged for him to stay, that we could still fix us. Nagmakaawa ako na parang batang iiwan ng magulang niya. Sabi niya hindi na daw kasi niya kaya, na nagsasawa na siya. Nauumay na daw siya na kami na lang lagi ang magkasama, na gusto daw niya ng fresh air. He said he wants to meet new people. He wants out of my life just like that.
Wala akong nagawa nung umalis na siya sa condo. Wala din akong nagawa nung umalis siya sa buhay ko. Nasakal ba siya? Hindi naman ako nagdedemand ng time mula sa kanya, hinahayaan ko naman siya kapag gusto niyang lumabas kasama ang barkada niya. Ganun ba kadaling kalimutan ang tatlong taon?
Two weeks na simula nang umalis siya. Two weeks na din akong nagmumukmok dito sa kwarto ko. Two weeks na akong hindi pumapasok sa trabaho. My friends are getting worried, they're trying to reach me pero naglagay na ako ng mataas na bakod sa paligid ko. My friends would go here in my condo almost everyday to make sure that I'm still alive pero hindi din naman nila ako makausap ng matino.
Sabi nila, wag kang magpakatanga sa lalaki. Lalaki lang yan, marami pang iba. Sabi nila mabubuhay ka naman kahit naghiwalay kayo kasi nagawa mo namang mabuhay nung wala pa siya sa buhay mo. Yun ang sabi nila. Pero hindi naman nila sinabi na sa sobrang sakit, mas gugustuhin mo na lang mamatay.
Days keep getting worse, I'm just alive out of habit. I would wake up in the morning and go to work. The colorful world I once had suddenly turned into black and white. Lifeless.
I would just remember him fetching me after office hours. Kakain kami sa labas or go to the grocery if he decides to just cook dinner for both of us. Sometimes we will go to the mall and watch a movie, have a dinner date, just like how two couples inlove mostly do.
Ngayon, uuwi ako ng bahay ng halos madaling araw na, uuwing lasing. Well, this is much better kesa naman uuwi akong matino tapos iiyak lang ulit. Alcohol won't let you forget things permanently, but for a short period of time, it will make you forget how much it hurts. Mamamanhid ka. Iiyak ka pa rin, oo, pero kahit papaano, sa maikling sandali, makakalimot ka.
Uuwi ka ng bahay na tulog na lang ang gagawin mo dahil sa sobrang kalasingan. Then you would not even bother to look around the place where he used to be inside the house. You won't even have the strength to go to the bathroom and see his toiletries next to yours. You will just surrender to the darkness that's pulling you and thank God that you survived another day without him.
Then I will have to wake up every morning and see the empty space beside me. The space where I would cuddle with him before sleeping and the same place where I would wake up and see him sleeping peacefully with his arms around me. Tulad ngayon, nagising ako na wala na siya sa tabi ko. One month na pero wala pa ring pagbabago. Pakiramdam ko lalo lang akong nasasaktan. Para akong nababaliw. They say that time heals all wounds. Well, it seems like I will need eternity to heal my wound.
