Darkness Before Dawn

5 - Race

As a result of my break down session, I sensed quiet the abashment for being a cry baby. It's not the initial time I wailed in front of Austin but this was indubitably the time I feel bovine for weeping over them.

Those who left me in the hardest, not returning. I have no conception about how they hold the audacity to overlook me. And the worst of all is that it affects me, grievously.

Austin's arm left a hold on me. He soon returned with a huge chocolate box. And I realise that there is indeed something that I love about this hotel. After munching most of it I savour the taste, waiting for him to cut the call. Austin was talking to someone but my mind was deep into the depressive thoughts with my chocolates, to pay any heed towards his talk.

"Come on. Let's walk around." I just wanted to curl up at the corner with snacks and movies at my side but that would just be unhealthy making me feel shabby. I don't remember the last moment I watched a fine movie or an interesting show. It was always flipping through the channel while working. What am I doing with my life? Well... I'm earning some money.

Scrubbing the mascara away from my eyes, and washing the makeup off I let my face to breathe. Their feels the heaven on my plain face.

The sun was now glowing fulgurous filled with anger mocking my existence, ignoring the evening. Can I create a news about 'Helious experiencing Pms in Atlanta?' and air it on our channel?

"You'll be kicked out." My praxis of speaking out loud never changed. The attention was more targeted on Austin's laugh to reckon about my prior habits. His snigger makes me realise how fortunate I'm to have him in my life. Without him I wouldn't be standing here trying to maintain my job and seek the promotion. The thought disturbs and frightens me about how much dependant I'm upon him. He's the closest to me and I trust him with all my heart but I learned the hard way to be not be dependant on someone. It just screws you bad.

It was not easy for me to settle at a new place with no one support. Expenses did not lessen when I whined with no money. I didn't familiarise with pleasant dreams about my family or my friends. It was always the intensified nightmares and the monsters never faded. But no one lives a perfect dream and that is the true reality.

Austin has comforted me when no one did. He was present when no one was, and I will forever be indebted to him. Yet it irks me that I need someone to stand by me, to hold me tight saving me from the fall.

"Vivi, if you keep thinking any more, your hair will definitely turn grey by the night." I do have two grey strands already and need them no more.

Standing in front of the bar, I plan ahead to get drunk and never remember this day.

The loud music blaring through the air sent me a sensation on déjà vu. Always working made me forget how to live, but here was my chance to let myself loose and enjoy with no worry.

Taking a deep breath, I eye the shots and in a moment gulp it down. The burn in throat was discomforting reminding me about how long I have lived without drinking.

Austin didn't let me out of sight, even when I was at the dance floor. Two shots didn't feel enough for me to run away from reality.

Taking the seat again I order the shots but this time three. A guy in a black jacket stood before me, his eyes filed with fake curiosity.

"It seems like we have met before." Guy and their horrible pick up lines. I feel that it would be better if guys would just kept their mouths shut instead of saying those horribly cheap and rusty lines.

"Why dude, why?" I slurred at him scrunching my nose which he clearly understood.

"Would I have caught your attention by just sitting and gawking at you from far away, not using any pickup line to start a conversation with you and then stalking you for days?" Poor guy.

"Now I guess you'll never know." Taking a good look at him, his face doesn't  seem bad. Well dressed, brown eyes, black hair and a well shaved beard.

"You ain't that bad." He surely looks handsome enough but nothing compared by my ex.

"Wanna dance?" In actuality I pity this lone boy, who looks like he had just gone through a miserable breakup, trying to make everything right. Me, not being a good human felt like breaking his heart into pieces.

"I don't want to dance." He was about to leave, thats when I grabbed his collar and pulled him close to me. His face was just a few inches away.

I saw that feeling on his face that no one could understand. That feeling of being broken. The pieces left for your own self to pick up, no other soul offering for help. The loneliness and the sadness, all visible on his face.

Soon our lips met, both of us in need to fix ourselves.

The kiss was soon cut as he pulled away, processing the confusion about our situation.

"I ain't straight." Well... that is not what I figured, but whatever.

"I shouldn't be surprised. My boyfriend is gay. Weird things happen to me so don't feel special." He looked baffled and excused himself realising what a physco chic he faced.

"Vivi, I was searching for you all over. Dammit, you look stoned? How much did you have?" I could try to remember or I could not.

I answered with silence and Austin forced water down my throat. Water tasted different. Sweet and cold.

Suddenly everyone started to go somewhere in the basement and the cheering of a crowd started.

"I didn't bring you here to get drunk. We came here for that." He pointed at the people rushing somewhere in the very same basement side.

His arms protectively wrapped over my shoulders, we followed them through the dark tunnel.

The small basement then ended to the backside door of the bar, landing on the very same street.

Not much seemed to change during these past  years. Some new gang of teenagers standing at the both side of the road. The bikes tattooed with different designs, a sign of their own.

The loud cheering of the crowd, the same old girls wearing leather shots. A smile somewhere in between the scene slipped on my lips. The only thing I loved but couldn't continue. That feeling of competition, the adrenaline and the rush of wind, it all seemed to refill my memory.

I didn't had an idea that this street was still alive. I earned most of my money on this very street.  I made friends on this same exact spot. It all started here.

But the reality was harsh and even in my drunken state I realised, four years later I was standing alone.

I was surely surrounded by many but deep inside I knew I was alone. And I even realised that I shouldn't have had those drinks. It brings out the locked inoccent girl out of me and I don't like it.