I M P U L S E

I

Lauren awoke wrapped beneath the bodies of some groupies from the night before. The scent of sex and alcohol filled the room. It was always the same thing with her. Endless sold out shows at random trashy pubs & clubs, girls throwing themselves at her willingly ,having too much money to know what to do with and Getting high in bathroom stalls and tour buses until her brain was too scattered to remember her own name.

She untangled herself from the many limbs holding her down. Sitting on the edge of her bed grabbing the closest beer bottle she could find sculling the last remnants of stale booze, swallowing in disgust she stands wincing in pain as she tries to straighten up, lifting her shirt noticing her ribs are sporting quite a large bruise. having no idea how she got it . She could only have assumed two things. The first being that she had fallen over in her state of euphoria and whacked her ribs, too messed up to register the pain at that time, or that she had wild sex the night before. Looking at the forming bruise, she could only conclude that it was more than likely the first one. There was no way any kind of sex could have done this to her, no matter how rough or wild.

She took a second to look at the tangled array of bodies still passed out on her bed and couldn't help feel a hint of guilt but mostly disgust. She didn't like the person she was, not even the slightest but she had become so content with the life she was living that the thought of potentially living her life Any other way scared her beyond words.

She stood infront of the bathroom mirror, feeling to anxious to look at the state of herself. She knew she'd look a mess and these days she found it hard to find anything pleasant about her appearance. So she stripped her shirt off leaving her standing there in her underwear, refusing to take so much of a glance at herself she turned the shower on wanting to wash away the last 18hrs.

Who was she kidding? She had tried to wash away the dirtiness she felt every time she'd sleep with some stranger after a night filled with abusing her body with toxic substances. It never worked so why would it now?

Lauren scrubbed herself red raw, she wanted to feel clean and even if her physical body was, hidden in the back of her mind was that lingering disgust that she felt every time it happened.

Stepping out clad in only a towel she throws a singlet on not even bothering with a bra , than quickly straightening her hair she makes her way back out to find the Evidence of last night still sprawled out on her bed , Bile builds in her throat at the sight.

"Can you all just fuck off?"

Lauren yells more frustrated with herself not them.
After all, this was her doing , sure they played a part but it was Lauren that always insinuated nights like these. It was her way of feeling some sort of comfort. Some sort of love she gravely craved again. She knew those people didn't love her and used her for fame and drugs. But when they were in bed it's the closest thing she has felt to love since she could remember. They didn't care, she knew that also, but in those moments when they were immersed in one another, it felt like they did. And that's what she hangs onto.

Clearing her throat she attempts to yell again but gives up and sits back on the bed waking up one of the girls. She feels a dip in the bed and sure enough a pair of arms find themselves wrapped around her waist trying to pull her back to the bed. She fights them off not wanting to be touched. Stands again grabbing the nearest bottle she throws it against the wall glass smashing everywhere and the sound echoing the room.

"GET THE FUCK OUT NOW !!! "

Lauren screams, This time meaning it the girls both awake fully scrambling to grab their clothes and quick enough are out of sight, Lauren sighs and slumps down on the bed finally happy their gone but feeling that sense of loneliness she hasn't felt since Camila left . Before that feeling can take over she finishes off a few lines of Coke till all memories slip away. once she feels the all too familiar high feeling she walks off searching for her phone.