Secrets | Watty Awards Winner 2013

Chapter 26

“The hell I don’t,” I growl. Ripping the needles out of my arm and the monitors from my chest, I drag myself out of bed. My body feels sluggish and slow from all the drugs they’ve pumped into me but I don’t care. The rage inside me is enough to keep me going. It’s what’s powering me now. Rage is far more useful than sadness and grief. Sadness and grief tear you down and make you into a cowering ball of fear. Anger, on the other hand, is like an unending source of energy and I can’t let it go because if I do, I’m going to break and I don’t think I’m ever going to recover.

“Ari, stop!” Dad grabs my arm and I shove him away with my free hand.

“Don’t touch me,” I hiss, backing away from him until my back hits the wall.

The hurt and pain that flashes in dad’s eyes are enough to make me hesitate for a second but I shake away my feelings.

Stop. Rage. Fury. Focus.

“There’s someone outside who wants to see you,” dad says quietly. He looks resigned and defeated. I swallow.

“I don’t want to see anyone,” I say.

Dad doesn’t say anything. He just stares at me with a shattered expression before he walks out. When he’s out of sight, I close my eyes, breathing deeply,

When I hear his footsteps, my eyes narrow and a lump fills my throat. My mouth opens but no words come out. I want to yell and scream and make him feel the pain I’m going through but my body refuses to respond.

“Ari…”

“Stop.” My voice finally works again but it’s quiet and sounds as broken as I feel. “I don’t want to see you. Get out.”

“I had no choice.”

“Fuck it, Will. You had a choice. We had a choice.” I step forward, my chest heaving with suppressed tears. “But we left him behind. We could have saved him.”

“He was bloody stabbed, Ari.” Will’s grey-blue eyes flash and for a moment, I take in his appearance. In all honesty, he looks like crap. His hair is messy and there are bags under his eyes. His clothes are crumpled and I recognise them as the same ones he’d been wearing when he’d dragged me out of the house. “He wouldn’t have made it. It was either we left him behind and saved ourselves or all three of us died while trying to pull him out.”

I’m trembling and I can’t stop it. All I can see is Ollie’s smile and the way his eyes lit up with happines minutes before he died.

“Then we all should’ve died,” I whisper and all rage melts out of my body as a lump fills my throat.

“You don’t blame me. You blame yourself.” Will steps forward and I shrink away from him.

I lower my eyes and stare at the lanolin floor beneath my bare feet.

“Do you know what I told him just before he got stabbed?” I choke as a slow tear finds its way down my cheek. “I told him I loved him. It took me so long to realize that I loved him and just when I did, he was taken from me.” Another tear slides down my cheek and I wipe it away with the back of my hand as I look up at Will. His eyes glisten and I realize that there are tears in his eyes.

“I am so sorry,” Will whispers and his voice is hoarse. “I didn’t know. I am so sorry.”

“Well, sorry doesn’t bring him back, does it?” I lash out suddenly and Will doesn’t make any attempt to defend himself. He just stares at the wall above my head, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down.

“I don’t want to ever see you again,” I say and I’m crying now. “I can’t.”

There is a long silence as I slide down to a crouching position on the floor. Hugging my knees to my chest, I sob silently.

Then, I feel someone’s arms around me, pressing me against a warm body. I attempt to push him away but he doesn’t budge and I stop struggling. I don’t have the strength to fight him anymore. I don’t have the strength to do anything anymore.

His warmth and scent envelopes me and for a few minutes, I lose myself in it, wanting to forget everything that has happened. All I want is to be a normal sixteen-year-old. I don’t want to be the person I’ve become.

When my sobs subside a little, I feel his chapped lips press against my temple in a sweet kiss.

“Goodbye Ari.”

Then, he’s gone and I’m left alone in the cold.

****

A/N Before you guys start yelling, this isn't the end. There's one more chapter after this and I promise, it's not as depressing as this one :)

I have a really long author's note so please bear me :3

Firstly, thank you to every single one of you who have been reading this. I can't believe how amazing you guys are. Most of your comments have been so encouraging and lovely. Secondly, I've decided to enter 'Secrets' into the Watty Awards 2013. I'm really nervous and I would really appreciate it if you guys helped me out! <3

Love,

Percy