Random scribbles

How belonging and depression go hand in hand

Last night, I was pretty depressed. It was like 1:00 in the morning, and I couldn't stop thinking about how excluded I felt from the band. I guess it was only one person who talked behind my back, but that's not what made me feel so awful. I thought I didn't care if people talked bad things about me, but the reality wasn't what I expected. You see, I haven't been smack-talked like this since middle school. And in middle school, I was used to being degraded because I already knew I didn't belong anywhere. When you go somewhere you don't belong, you get ridiculed for being there. I expected the shots from the beginning, numbing myself ahead of time so it wouldn't hurt as much. But this time, I'm not in middle school. I finally found myself in places that I actually felt like I belong in. I felt safe, protected by those around me. I thought there was no need to prepare for rejection. But then a shot was fired from my own home. Words cannot describe how much it hurts to find out you're not accepted in the one place you felt important in. Music means more to me than my own family. It's the only thing that manages to make me happy, and it's the only thing that serves that sadness I'm often addicted to. It's one of the only things I feel like I'm good at, and I thought I proved myself to belong in the band. But then when someone talks about wanting to kick me out of the band, it... it hurts. So much. It brings back all of that depression that I have felt for so long. This sense of rejection takes such a toll on my own feeling of self-worth. It makes me feel like I really don't matter to anyone. It brought back that all too familiar feeling that everyone is talking behind my back, that I'm just some annoying persistent kid who won't go away. It's making me relapse to that depression that I was addicted to for such a long time. Gosh, it feels so good, but it's so bad for me. "You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness, like resignation to the end, always the end" sings Gotye, a set of lyrics that I can relate to so greatly. I like to look at depression as a sort of drug. When you first taste it, it feels so good, but at the same time, it leaves you feeling incomplete, an unfilled void that you keep longing to satisfy, but never can get to the point that you need. Occasionally, you manage to beat the intoxicating drug and live such a better life, but when there's a detox, there's an inevitable retox. You get a bit of that depression again for just a mere minute, and you love that feeling so you feed it. But as you keep feeding it, the void grows bigger and bigger, and it never feels like enough. So you keep going on higher doses of the depression, until you overdose. The overdose is when you just can't take it anymore, so desperate and so empty that you end your own life. I'm trying ever so hard to escape this fate, it terrifies me. But as the depression grows, my life fades. Then what am I left with?