Weightless (H.S. BWWM)

Losin Control

When I spoke with her after her friend's funeral she asked me to write down everything I wanted to say to her but hadn't and I've been working on it. It's so hard for me to do because I have to tap into those feelings I try to bury down deep. The feelings of frustration that we keep hitting this same wall, of anger that I can't just say what I feel, and most of all confusion as to why she can't take a chance on us. There's also the rage I feel for Charles for hurting my sweet girl. I fear sometimes she thinks I don't get it; that I don't understand what he did to her - what he took from her. I understand her hurt and anger at him. What I don't understand is why she's letting it affect us. I think she feels like hating him and making someone pay for his crimes is something she has to do. I don't think she can move on until she feels he acknowledges the shįt he put her through and understands the wonderful bright part of her that he dimmed. I hope and pray she gets that closure while she's in Texas.

I'm wary of the conversation we'll have when she comes home. I can only hope all of this self-exploration we're doing will come in handy and that we can talk and not fight. There's so much inside of me that I want to get out. It's not all pretty or nice and sweet - in fact most of it isn't. I love her but a part of me is so angry at her. I'm not entirely sure if I'm upset because I don't know the reason for the wall she puts up when it comes to me or if it's because I can't understand her sometimes.

I feel like neither of us is fully being ourselves and that in itself makes me furious at us both. I try so hard to be perfect for her because the last guy was so horrible but I can't keep paying for his mistakes and double for my own. I can't keep pretending to not get angry, to not be sad or upset or have feelings that require effort and attention. I need her to be present in this relationship - one hundred percent here. She's the toughest woman to figure out that I've ever dated and although it aggravates me, it entices me as well. I can't live without her but if we can't sustain a healthy love then I may have to learn how to- for both of our sakes.

From the moment she took my hand outside of Starbucks I knew it would be interesting getting to know her. I thought she was crazy for coming with me without knowing me but in my heart I felt such peace and joy that she did. The funny thing is, Dale offered to go get my coffee that day but after some thought, I declined. Had I taken him up on his offer she and I would've never met. I always think back to that moment – it had to have been fate.

Since that day, it's been endless exploration and discovery not only of each other but also of myself. I've learned more about myself in these past six months than I have my entire life. My flaws are so easy to see when I'm with someone who's not afraid to call me on them and stay with me in spite of them. We've had trying times, sure, but more than anything we've made love.

By made love I don't mean just physically I mean we've mentally, emotionally, spiritually conjured love in one another. It took some doing on each of our parts for sure. Our dating histories are abysmal. Neither of us has been able to have a successful healthy relationship and both of our hearts have been damaged by toxic love. We both were wary from the start of letting someone in. She has a fear of me not catching her if she falls and I had a fear of her using me and throwing me aside. My fears were easily calmed once I realized she never exploited our relationship to the media or even to her friends. Once I realized she could be trusted there was nothing in the way of me falling for her.

It started during our friendship. I saw sadness and loneliness in her that I hadn't found in anyone else – I could relate to it. Even though I have great friends and family that I love, this life that I lead can get very lonely. Not to seem conceited, but when you have the ability to elevate someone's lifestyle – celebrity or not – your selection of friends and lovers is very small. I took a chance on a kindred spirit with Bailey and I haven't regretted it. It didn't take long for me to care about her, she was real and honest. I never felt like I had to pretend to be bigger or better with her I could just be me. Everything I did was impressive to her regardless of if I spent money or took her around other celebrities or did anything extravagant. She had this way of letting me know she didn't open herself up often and it made me feel so special. To know that she chose to open up to me made my heart soar.