Until He's Gone

Chapter Twelve

"And in the silence I suddenly understood the many ways a person can die but still be alive."
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After a long walk alone, I reached my lonely home which was my only refuge. Its walls had embraced me throughout the many years of pain and loss. Its windows and doors had listened to every silent moan and cry. My home was my protector, my guardian, and my dream place. At least it had kept me away from the violent world outside.

I rubbed my wet feet against the threshold of the doorway and slammed the door behind me as I went in. Oops.

Its sound echoed in the whole house. It made me feel frightened and scared. I really wanted to tell dad everything. I wanted to tell him about Kevin who stalked me for a yearlong without me even knowing or caring. I wanted to tell him about his stony-hearted step-mother and my hideous act in taking Kevin's revenge. I wanted him to hug me and stroke my long hair. I wanted him to tell me that everything was going to be okay, that it was brave to do so, and that everything will return to how it used to be.

I walked through the corridor and slammed open the doors of each room I walked by.

  "Dad?" I called with a broken voice.

I reached the living room where I had sat with Kevin earlier, and where I assumed Dad to be. I opened the door carefully and turned the lights on to find that the room was empty, just as I had left it.

I turned around myself in dizziness, and ran my fingers through my hair nervously. He could have been late. He might have had some intensive work to do due to the hard situations.

I slumped on a couch abruptly. It was truly surprising how emotional pain didn't hurt as a cut or bruise, yet lingered inside like a heavy feeling that was waiting for the right moment to explode.

For the first time throughout my life, I reached out to the old cabinet and pulled out the bottle of wine that my dad had left for me to try one day. He said that he and mom had kept it there since their wedding day.

  It had been waiting for sixteen years.

The bottle opened with a pop and a fizz. I let the liquid burn down my throat. It tasted acidic and bitter, and I had almost thrown it up. However, I knew its job was to make someone forget the pain. I tried.

I thought about Kevin. I thought about how I might never be able to forget him. A strong memory is the greatest punishment one could have, I thought. I guessed it was mine.

Kevin might had really loved me, but there was no doubt he had acted selfishly. He had sought for his own rest in the ocean, where his body lay beneath the rocks and floated between the beautiful water lilies.

  He had water lilies to rest with, but I had no 'water Kevins' nor 'water mothers' to live with.

He wanted to be hidden from everyone's sight and I guessed he had succeeded. No one would follow or torment him anymore. He had left me here, all alone, and assumed I was able to go on without him.

Though he had believed in my bravery, I doubted myself.

However, I had to go on, for I had the immunity already. My mother's death was an experience that taught me how to build the walls of grief, and that only meant that I had to build more walls then.

I sighed and shook my head to dismiss the depressing thoughts once again.

Darkness fell upon the lands of Normandy. I went into my room and slammed the door behind me. The echoes terrified me as I approached my full-length mirror.