Pahiram

Unang Kabanata

FRIEDRICH

I can't believe we've reached this far.

It was a struggle making things work between us, lalong-lalo na no'ng nagsisimula pa lang kaming dalawa. When we discovered our feelings for each other around third year high school, we needed to hide from everyone. We live in an unapproving society when it comes to same-sex relationships because our culture is heteronormative and conservative mainly because of our religious roots. Lagi nilang sinasabi na kasalanan daw ang maging bakla. They even cite Bible verses, particularly about Sodom and Gomorrah, how [G]od burned the place to kill the homosexuals who disrespected the angels who visited them. They tell everyone, every child, that homosexuality is immoral.

It was hard to move publicly through our world. We were scared. We might get kicked out of the school (even if we're studying in a government-funded one) or we might get bullied in school with no one protecting us because our friends will despise us, too. Our parents won't approve, of course, because we belong to ultraconservative families just like everybody else.

We ended us a lot of times throughout high school because we got tired of hiding and sneaking out late after classes just to snuggle and kiss. Mga panahon na hindi namin kinaya ang pagtatago; mga panahon na hindi na namin masikmura ang takot na mahuli kami ng mga kaibigan namin, mga kaklase, mga guro, at mga magulang.

But it was only us against the world. We haven't heard of other gay people in our class or in our school. Maybe because they were hiding too or because gay people really didn't exist in our world. So even if we broke up a lot of times, we still end up together. Because we need each other. Because we love one another. Even with the struggle, nagawa pa rin naming magtapos ng high school nang magkasama pa rin kaming dalawa.

We went to the same university, just like we planned. (I took up Business Administration; he took up Architecture.) We stayed in the same apartment since we're the only ones who know each other at matagal na rin naming gustong magkasama nang mahaba-habang oras.

We thought that we will continue hiding (and will continue our break-up-make-up cycle). But the community inside the university was different.

People there don't judge you for who you are or what you do (except if it's very, very stupid). Guys can be with guys. Girls can be with girls. Guys can dress like girls and girls can dress like guys. You can hold hands in public. You can kiss in benches while waiting for your next class.

Everything was the exact opposite of our world in high school. It was amazing. We finally felt free. Free to do what we want. Free to express our love for one another.

But it was also overwhelming. Especially for us who came from a very conservative background.

We weren't used to public exposure of affection. We're not really against it, but it was just... overwhelming. It took us time to adopt to our new community. We even joined an organization to help us cope up and maneuver these drastic changes in our lives.

Another rock that we hit was jealousy. We've been in this road before, but unlike when we were in high school, we get jealous of girls who became too close to any of us. In college, it was because of guys. Because there were so many of them who hit you, like it's their hobby. But what really drove us into our repeated fights was the fact that they were better at almost everything. But at the end of the day, no matter how many times we crash, we managed to make up. Hindi pa rin magpapatalo ang true love.

After five years of highs and lows, we graduated from college with flying colors.

Hindi agad kami nagsama sa iisang bubong kahit na nagtapos na kaming mag-aral. Pareho kaming nangako sa mga magulang namin na papagandahin muna namin ang buhay nila bago kami mag-aasawa. But more than that, we still haven't told them about us because we know that they wouldn't approve of our relationship. We can't afford to lose them yet since we're still dependent to them (to some extent). So we continued hiding what's between us. We worked our asses off until we have fulfilled all the promises we made to our own parents when we were still young and studying. And while doing so, we were also setting aside money for us, for our own dreams and future plans.