Broken Bonds

Chapter 9: Honey Bee

Teagan is gone.

I'm alone with him now.

"Bee..." That name. The name he used to call me. I close my eyes.

"Go away."

"I can't do that now. You're hurting, I can't leave you like this."

I'm furious now. I stand, walk towards the waiting room. He follows. "I've always been hurting. Ever since that night, I have hurt. Ever since you left, I have been in pain. This is nothing compared to that."

His hands are gripping my wrists, stilling me from my pacing. I'm glad my sweater is long enough to cover my extremities in this moment.

His grip tightens as he speaks. "You think you're the only one that hurt? You think only your life was a mess when I left? You're wrong."

He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand. I don't want to go through this again. I don't want to feel the pain I feel in my heart grow and grow until I'm black on the inside. I want to heal. I want to be better for my butterfly.

"You never let me explain." My head is hanging. I don't want to fight anymore. I try to pull away, his grip is beginning to bruise my bone thin wrists.

"Explain what? That you supposedly thought my brother was me? You never mixed us up before. I'm not stupid Bee!" His voice is thick with pain. I can smell a hint of liquor on his breath, but nothing like it has been.

"I was drunk." I whisper this.

"I don't believe you." He's angry, seething.

I never drank before, but I wanted to that night. I wanted to be numb. I didn't want to think about the loss of my best friend. I don't try to explain anymore and now I'm crying. I pull my arms away, but he won't let go.

"You're hurting me." My tears are falling. I'm over emotional because of my butterfly. I don't usually cry this much.

"I thought you liked being man handled Bee. I thought you liked being pushed around, beaten."

"Stop!" This is too much for me.

He's shaking his head as he finally lets go. I feel shamed. I feel like I'm nothing.

"You knew who you were fücking that night! I know you did! You never drink!"

"Stop." I'm covering my eyes. "I didn't know. I really didn't know. I didn't know. I swear I didn't. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted it all to go away. I picked up the bottle and I didn't put it down until it was gone. I was so fucked up I didn't even know my name that night. I didn't know where you went. I though it was you. I thought he was you. I-"

I'm in his chest as I cry now. He's holding me. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry Hux... Please don't be mad at me anymore. Please don't leave me again. Please stay." I'm finally letting out my secrets. I'm not lying to myself anymore.

His arms are like bands around me. They are holding me up. He's not speaking anymore. I can feel he's still in pain and I am too. Our pain is mixing together until I don't know who's is who's anymore.

"You really didn't know? You really drank that night?" He's questioning me again even though I know he could hear the truth in my words. He doesn't want to believe the reason we are both in pain is because of a misunderstanding.

He doesn't want to believe the reason he's a drunk is because of a misunderstanding. He doesn't want to believe the reason I'm pregnant with a baby that was raped into me is because of a misunderstanding.

"I really didn't know. I really did drink." Suddenly I'm not in his oh so familiar arms anymore. He's standing back and I notice something on his hand. It's a tattoo. I look up, into his eyes as I reach for it. I pull his palm open. He lets me.

It's a bee, a honey bee. He must have gotten it when he left. I don't remember him having this. I bring it to my chest. I touch it to mine. He pulls away.

"I wanted to keep you with me somehow." He's explaining, but he doesn't need to. I pull up my shirt. Show him my side.

Lavender. I have a tattoo of lavender there. I wanted to keep something that was apart of us on my skin. I wanted something other than my bee. I wanted to be reminded of our field. Of our special place.

He touches me there, but his hand falls again. Now he looks like the shamed one.

"I'm sorry Bee."

I don't forgive him and he doesn't forgive me. We're equal now.

He doesn't mention my little butterfly again and I don't mention the women that's been hanging around him.

"Can we try again?" He makes the first step. I don't know what to do.

"I don't know. I have this baby..." I finally say the word. My butterfly isn't an it. My butterfly is a baby that's growing inside me day by day.

He looks like he forgot about that. He forgot about the life my body is nurturing.

We aren't close like we used to be. He can't say that he will father my child. He can't say that he wants to be there for me and the baby.

I don't ask him to and he leaves with his head hanging low.