It's Just Weird

3. Selfies Are Weird

Now now. Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against taking selfies with those cute dog filters on snapchat and then posting them with the hashtag #like4like

The selfies aren't weird (some of them) but the whole concept of #selfie was absurd to me.

The tainted task starts with a certain angle: a smartphone tilted at 45 degrees just above your eyeline is generally deemed the most forgiving. Then a light source: the flattering beam of a backlit window or a bursting supernova of flash reflected in a bathroom mirror, as preparations are under way for a night out.

The pose is important. Knowing self-awareness is conveyed by the slight raise of an eyebrow, the sideways smile that says you're not taking it too seriously. A doe-eyed stare and mussed-up hair denotes natural beauty, as if you've just woken up and can't help looking like this. Sexiness is suggested by sucked-in cheeks, pouting lips, a nonchalant cock of the head and a hint of bare flesh just below the clavicle. Snap!

Afterwards, a flattering filter is applied. Outlines are blurred, colours are softened, a sepia tint soaks through to imply a simpler era of vinyl records and VW camper vans.

All of this is the work of an instant. Then, with a single tap, you are ready to upload: to Twitter, to Facebook, to Instagram, each likeness accompanied by a self-referential hashtag. Your image is retweeted and tagged and shared. Your screen fills with thumbs-up signs and heart-shaped emoticons. You are "liked" several times over. You feel a shiver of – what, exactly? Approbation? Reassurance? Existential calm? Whatever it is, it's addictive. Soon, you repeat the whole process, trying out a different pose. Again and again, you offer yourself up for public consumption.

That is wrong, and of course - Weird.

If the selfie is good, then go like Saturday night and we in the spot, don't believe me just watch. Come on!

But. But. If the selfie is weird. Or God forbid, a fail. Then in the name of your c sized boobs and flat ass, un-hand the phone.

This is not only the problem. There are certain dos and donts of where and how you take the selfie. Lets get to the 'where' first.

See, when you're standing in a public bathroom in a cheap mall beside the toilet, it just doesn't work. I see selfies of girls who have the nerve to stand beside the toilet with shit in it. I mean shit man! My point, please choose suitable locations for your swerve selfies.

Now comes the 'how'. This has a wide range of topics. Starting from expressions, filters, Photoshop, mediums, hashtags. Jeez.

Expressions. Raising eyebrows, smiling, smirking, winking, yawning, laughing, crying, and frowning are common things. But when it comes to pouting, the duck face, lip biting, cheek biting, nose scrunching, the puppy dog eyes, raising one eyebrow crap. It gets weird.

Filters. Don't even get me started. Purple, black and white, caramel, cat face, dog face e.tc. e.t.c. Why can't you choose a simple yet elegant filter to show your real beauty? Because I'll be damned, every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top.

Photoshop. 😈📱. This is something I swear by my grave, nerves me. A good photoshop gets you followers for life. But gurl! A fail. You ought to lock them doors and turn them lights down low and stay there for the rest of your life. It is not only embarrassing, but weird.

Mediums. Now this is a simple thing. Selfie sticks and timers. Isn't it weird that you're standing in the middle of the street talking a selfie with that obnoxious face? While cars go by, pedestrians walk ahead and Google Earth cameras see you? Weird...

Hashtags. We found the place, we made the expression, we found the medium, we chose the filter, we took the selfie and we Photoshopped it to perfection. Now what? Now we post. But not so fast. We find something to make our face look much more attractive and appealing. Hence we represent, the Hashtag. Sometimes lame and sometimes cool hashtags swerve up your selfie.

Selfie Gone Wrong

I tried to take a selfie
when I was all alone.
I never should have done it.
It broke my mobile phone.

I guess I'm not so pretty.
I thought that I was cuter.
I snapped one with my laptop
and busted the computer.

I cracked my father's camera.
My mother's iPad too.
This shouldn't be so difficult.
I don't know what to do.

At last I got a selfie;
perhaps the worst one yet.
I posted it online today.
It broke the Internet.

--Kenn Nesbitt

I'm out 🤘🏻