B.R.O.N.X (NOT MINE)

45. Lost souls.

Brooklyn

I brought my knees up to my chest on my bed, and stared ahead into space. If I started rocking back and forth, I would probably look like those crazy people in movies who wear straightjackets and stay in padded rooms in asylums. However, I kind of understood why they found calmness in swinging. It's like being in motion instead of standing still makes your thoughts be on the move too, so you are not stuck reliving the moment when you called your boyfriend a monster.

I swear I would've sold my soul if that'd meant I could go back in time and erase those words, preventing them from leaving my lips. Because as soon as I'd said them I knew I had messed up. Big time. And the best part? I didn't even think they were true. I didn't believe what I'd said, but I'd said it anyway. And I had hurt Justin-it takes a lot to hurt Justin-and that hurt me more than being hurt myself, if that makes sense.

On top of that, I had Jeremy's and Pattie's words flashing through my hazy mind. After I had managed to stop the tears from falling, and had wiped my blotchy face with a Kleenex, I'd peeled myself off from the chain-link fence where Justin had left me, and made my way over to his family. He had disappeared, nowhere to be seen. I wondered if he was crying too, and immediately deleted the image from my brain because the only time I'd seen him shed a tear-the day Jeremy came back around a month ago-it had broken my heart.

I was shaking with nervousness when I approached Jeremy. Would he notice something was wrong? Did he already know Justin and I weren't exactly okay? That had brought up even more questions. Were we still together? Had his last sentence meant he was breaking up with me? I prayed to God not.

"Brooklyn, how are you?" Jeremy had excitedly greeted me with a side-hug. Okay, so he wasn't suspicious that something was wrong.

We had made little conversation alongside with Jazmyn-who had indeed scrutinized my face as if sensing the effort I was putting behind my smile. "Where's my brother?" She'd ask, and the protectiveness in her voice made me feel awful. Well, even more awful. It meant she did know. Had Justin told her? For some reason I doubted that. But Jazmyn was smart enough to figure it out herself.

When I'd felt the pressure was gonna pull me down again, I'd quickly made up an excuse to leave. "So, I have to go back to my family, but I wanted to say goodbye in case I don't see you again before you leave. Justin told me you were going to Afghanistan on Tuesday," I'd said, trying not to wince when I pronounced his name, but sadness tinted my words anyway. I wish Jeremy could stay so that he and his family didn't have to go through that uncertainty of not knowing what tomorrow held for them again.

Jeremy had hugged me tight-like a father would do-which made my eyes sting because in such a short time he had accepted me like I was family. Before releasing me he'd held me at arm-length, and said those words that were now engraved in the deep corners of my mind, hunting me. "I don't know what you're doing with my son, but whatever it is, keep it up. I've never seen him so happy in my life, and we owe you for that, Brooklyn. You've changed him for the better."

If only he knew I was the reason why he wasn't happy anymore . . .

A tear slipped down my lid, and I slapped it away. I needed to stop wailing like a baby and get my act together. I changed my position on the bed and lay down on the mattress, looking up at the ceiling. This wasn't just my fault. If Justin hadn't done what he did to Michael, we wouldn't be in this situation right now. So what, I had been a bitch to him, but it's not like I could turn my back on my brother-flesh and blood, as Ryan said-and go back to Justin like everything was fudging peachy. It wasn't, and right now it seemed as if it would never be. A sob broke through my chest, making my shoulders convulse.