ALIVE II

One

This was the second time this had happened to me. I was starting to think it had something to do with me. Like I was cursed or something. Like I was not supposed to be with someone. Like I was not supposed to be loved.

I was packing the last few boxes and I was looking at stuff I had left from Thomas. I decided to store it and save it for when David was older. I realized I had no things that belonged or reminded me of Harry. Besides the scar on my knee and my short hair.

It had almost reached my shoulders by now, but every look in the mirror reminded me of what happened that day. Dancing became out of the question, so my dream of becoming a dancer was flushed down the drain. I blamed him in some way. In another way I knew this was not his fault.

"Are you ready to go, Rose?"

I looked behind me and saw Liam peek behind the door.

"Yeah, can you take these boxes to the car and wait for me there? I want to make a round through the house to make sure I didn't miss anything."

"Sure thing. I'll take David."

I nodded and smiled at him. He was so good to me. After the whole thing with Harry I was absolutely lost and Liam took care of me. He brought me dinner and helped take care of David. Of course one thing led to another and we had been together for a little while now.

I had decided to move back with my parents for a little while. I had been having a lot of nightmares and some day's I could barely function because of the dream I had had the night before. It haunted my mind, my dreams, my heart.

I had lost a lot of weight and I looked like absolute shit most of the time. My psychiatrist said I suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome. I don't really care what it is I suffer from, I just want those images erased from my mind.

I tried to be a good mom to David, but it was hard sometimes. Luckily he was at school most of the times and didn't really notice my daily breakdowns. He liked Liam a lot, but was very confused at first. This was exactly what I didn't want. David meeting new men every two years, but I needed the comfort and Liam could provide that.

I can't really say that I love him. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to say that. It kind of seemed like a dangerous thing for me to love someone again. The way I loved Thomas and Harry had both caused me and them so much pain that I don't even dare to do it again. I do like Liam a lot and I truly care for him, but love seems like such a big word all of a sudden.

I walked through my old apartment to check if I didn't leave anything behind. My furniture was still here. It would be picked up and stored somewhere next week. I looked at the couch and I remembered the first time Harry slept on it. I remembered the time I traced the tattoo on his arm. The time he was screaming in his sleep. The conversations we had on this couch and I started to cry.

Why could I not save him? Why was he not moving me out right now? I missed him so damn much and there was nothing I could do about it. I reached in my pocket and took out the note I had just found in the kitchen. The note Harry had send me with the bouquet of roses. I should've cherished the time I had with him more than I did.

I closed the door behind me and let out a deep sigh. This was it. I could close this chapter now. A tear rolled down my cheek as I leaned against the door. So many things had happened here. So many great things but also a lot of painful things that I really needed to let go.

I went down to the car where David and Liam were already waiting for me and I got in.

"We could go for a bite to eat first if you'd like?" Liam said and I nodded.