BEYOND BORDERS (#Wattys2016)

DEMONS WITHIN

A deafening silence filled the room, sending chills down my spine. My hand was still holding unto that metal knob, my knuckles were white not from the cold, but from something more terrible. I finally decided to face the inevitable, beyond this border of uncertainty is where I can find myself again.

Fear.

That indescribable feeling I've always had deep within the crevices of my broken heart. That building tension in every step I take in this side of the door making me grasp my chest. That which gives me goose bumps along with every breath I take, causing a lump to form in my throat. I knew those sleepless nights will eventually lead to this terrifying day. 

"Meredith..." my body began to tremble as I call her name. The sound of my sobs was immediately drowned by the profound silence as my tears started to fall. "I-I am so s-sorry." I needed to hold the scream that was trying to escape from my mouth.

Agony.

I thought the days of crying were long gone, but I was very wrong. The scenes from that night came back to life, causing nausea to rush over me. I stumbled backwards as I saw her lifeless on the bed, her face twisted into the excruciating pain that she must have felt. I don't want to remember those things. My memories of her were as clear as day but the feelings harnessed from them were nothing but dark and bleak.

**********
Meredith and I were cooped up in our bedroom that evening. She was tending to the lacerations and bruises I got from Father earlier that day. I have gotten used to this over the years. I have also learned the skills to keep Father in a good mood, just to avoid the beatings.

Father came home drunk that night. Mother was in her room getting high with drugs, and probably, was already in her own world. Footsteps can be heard from the living room as Father staggered while climbing the stairs. Suddenly, he opened the door to our bedroom, alcohol in hand and a cigarette sticking out of the side of his mouth. The chattering stopped and was immediately replaced by silence.

"Rebecca, make me coffee. Quick!" he ordered walking closer to the bed we're in. I hesitated for a second and held firmly unto Meredith's hand. She, in turn, nodded and smiled at me, then gave me a slight push. I made my way out of the bedroom with my head bowed down. I have learned not to look up to Father's eyes, he taught me that the hard way.

I remembered going to the kitchen with my whole body trembling. My hands were shaking as I placed the pot of water in the stove. Soon enough, Father's voice could be heard throughout the house followed by Meredith's cries of protest. My heart was beating so fast that I needed to hold unto the table to keep my knees from giving out.

Everything that happened afterwards passed by in a blur. Meredith's scream filled the house and I instinctively whipped my head into the direction of our bedroom. Father  descended the stairs and hurriedly left the house.

Meredith. All thoughts left me as I nervously made my way to the room. Fear washed through me as I stood before the closed door.
**********

My energy was drained as I repeatedly heard Meredith's screams inside my head. Those were the screams that haunted me in my sleep every night. Memories of that horrible night were the very demons that lurk within my mind. As my tears continue to fall, I realized it was not fear. Fear was not the thing that haunted me. Fear was not the demon that is nearly driving me to insanity.

Guilt.

It was my fault. If only I have stayed with her that night, she would have been alive. Sometimes I think it would be much better if I have died in her place instead. I am as guilty of Meredith's death as the drunkard who killed her.

"Meredith!" I screamed her name. I cried my heart out, I was helpless without her. Then I saw her again, but this time the feeling I got was different. She was sitting on the bed and smiling at me. A bright light was radiating through her, bathing my heart with the warmth it once lost.

Serenity.

I've finally found my peace. I knew she has forgiven me.