365 DAYS 365 TALES

CHASING UNCERTAINTY

"I am flying to London day after, I need a break. Jason has his Oxford entrance interview and I promised to accompany him. We can deal with this, of course if we decide to, once I am back."

Eric's expression changed, this time the words had hit him hard, like someone had just stabbed him in the gut. He managed to speak after a few seconds.

"When will you be back?"

"After two months."

This time Eric could not contain himself any longer. He got up, went straight out to the restaurant and out through the door. Jade hadn't moved an inch in this process. She now stood up and moved towards the counter. Jason had been reading something which seemed like a textbook. She moved behind the counter and hugged him from the waist.

"What's wrong Jade?"

"Eric was here."

"I know I saw him leave, only to find out that you had told him about your visit to London."

"Jason, I don't think I want to give Eric another chance," she said tilting her head which was now buried in Jason's chest. Jason was shocked by the words he had just heard. He opened his mouth to ask a question but then kept shut.

"Jade, love," he finally said holding her face in this hands, "you don't have to if you don't want to."

***

The day after, on Friday, Jade stood at the door of her New York house, waiting for Jason to load the luggage in the car.

After a long flight they finally checked into their hotel rooms. Next day was Jason's interview so he called the day off after lunch. Jade decided to sleep through the day due to the tedious travelling.

Next day morning, when Jade entered Jason's room she couldn't stop herself from giggling.

"Oh God, Jason Smith, when are going to learn to wear a tie? Wait, let me do it for you."

"Yeah, now you look handsome," she said adjusting his collar and brushing the dust of his blazer.

Jade had known Jason for over eight years now and for the first time she saw uncertainty in Jason's eyes. Since the age of thirteen, Jason wanted to do journalism as his masters from Oxford. Jason wanted to tell the world stories, not only his own story but stories of others who inspired him so that somebody who lacked inspiration got their share from his writing. Jason had done exceedingly well in his English Hons. Clearing the first two rounds of the Oxford entrance was almost a cake walk for him.

"Jason, you're this close to living your dream, you're undoubtedly going to make it and live this eight years old dream reality."

Jason said nothing to her but a few seconds later pulled Jade into his tight embrace and the two stood there.

"Jade, I don't want to lose this dream, I am not sure if I am even capable of enough to live it yet."

"Jason, you inspire me, you've inspired me for the eight years. You make me stronger. I have always been the undecided one, the confused one. Don't let my weakness dawn upon you. Now is the time you go get your dreams."

Jason was now smiling.

The two walked out of the hotel, down to the main street to catch a cab to their destination. Jade gave Jason a brief hug and wished him luck before he went into the building and she went to the park nearby. A few minutes later an old lady came by and said "Hello there, this canvas, the paints and the charcoal kit is for you."

Jade was surprised and then realized that everybody around the park had been working on their canvas and trying their best to make a masterpiece.

"I sorry but I am not a very good artist, thank you!" Jade said.

"Sorry ma'am but it is more of tradition to draw anything as you please while you sit in this park," saying this, the lady kept the material by Jade's side and left.

"Excuse me?" Jade called out. The lady turned around. "I don't know what to draw, I haven't had my thoughts in place lately."

"Honey, pick that canvas and scribble on that it, you never know how your hand can translate your thoughts into pictures," saying this she left.

Jade was still not convinced but she did what she was told. The result was a raw, broken, mesmerizing picture.

It was a girl sitting under a tree, looking around, as though scanning the complexities of human emotions that dawned upon different people sitting around her in that park. A teardrop was hanging from her right eye, as if she was upset, as if she saw something coming back to her.

Jade went to the lady and asked if she could get another canvas. The lady had a spark in her eyes that were more of happiness than triumph. She gave Jade the material she had asked for and smiled from ear to ear.

This time Jade drew, she drew and completed the previous picture, like the girl had finally found meaning to her life. As though the girl had let go of all her uncertainties and complexities and was ready to stand out, shine and outcast the world.

Jade invaded her bag and quickly dialed Eric's number.

"Hey Jade, how are you?" Eric said in a hoarse voice.

"Eric, we are over."

"Jade..."

"Let me complete. Honestly all along, I was a girl you wanted me to be. You said you didn't like high heels, I ditched my heels. You said you didn't like my hair in a bun, I let them lose every day, you said curls, and I curled my perfectly straight hair. Eric, I stopped sketching because you said I wasn't a good artist." She said without batting an eyelid. 

Earlier whenever she thought of this she would cry, cry for hours. This time she was strong and her tone constant. She continued, "Eric, I have finally found myself again, I have found my thoughts. I know what I want, I want myself more than I want you, I want to relive the relationship I have maintained with myself for the past eighteen years more than the relationship I had with you for two years," she paused, "In which you already cheated on me."

Jason walked out of the school building. He saw Jade sitting under the tree with two canvases, adoring each of them equally. He softly crept next to her, catching her off guard. He wrapped his hands around her and said,

"I got my dream and I am glad you finally found yours."

***

chasing_uncertainty (12/04)