The real Red Riding Hood and other fairy tales

The little Red Hen

And now for a quickie just before bedtime  to bring the book to a close

Once upon a time in the same farm yard that the three pigs had legged it from, lived a little Red hen., a lamb, a cat, a dog,  they were lazy little buggers. The poor little hen used to run round after them as they shouted orders at her.

" Drink , food , adjust my pillow " they would call.

One day, whilst scratting through a pile of old junk the farmer had piled in the corner of the farmyard the Little Red Hen found  some funny looking plants, they were all withered , the tips starting to turn brown.

"Look what I've found!" she said to the other animals. "Who will help me re plant these funny looking plants. I believe they might be tomatoes, we could make ketchup and chutney when they have grown "

" Sod off " said the lamb.

" Get stuffed" said the cat.

" you must be bloody joking" said the dog.

" Stuff you all,  I'll do it my feckin self," said the Little Red Hen. And so she did. She had read in books  that the plants needed water to grow tall and strong.

"Who will help me water these plants?" asked the Little Red Hen.

" Sod off !" said the lamb.

" Once again , get stuffed!" said the cat.

 The dog just rolled over in the blazing sun and ignored her.

" You lazy bunch of bastards I'll do it myself," said the Little Red Hen. And so she did. The Little Red Hen watered the soil and waited patiently for the tomatoes to grow. When the plants were tall and strong, she knew they were nearing the point of bearing fruit. "Who will help me tend to the tomatoes when they arrive?" asked the Little Red Hen.

" Humph!" said the lamb.

" Arse!" said the cat.

The dog, who was white, carried on sleeping in the sun

"Then I'll do it myself," said the Little Red Hen. And so she did .The little red hen tended to the plants week after week but they just grew taller and would not bear fruit. She marvelled at the way the little crystals on the leaves sparkled in the hot sunlight. Soon her patience began to wear thin.

 "Sod this " said the Little Red hen " What a waste of my time and energy , not one poxy tomato , who will help me dispose of these crappy plants " she asked

" That's your problem!" said the lamb

" If you ask me again...." said the cat.

 The dog, who was still asleep in the sun was now feeling pain in the tip of his ears.

"Then I'll do it myself," said the Little Red Hen. And so she did. She took out all her anger on the useless plants ripping them out of the ground and chucked them in a pile. This was hot thirsty work, so she cracked a bottle of Pokey Cola downed it in one and lobbed the bottle on top of the pile. The sun carried on blazing. It shone through the bottle creating an intense hot spot upon the discarded tomato plants. The heat acumilated until combustion point was reached .The tomato plants caught fire 

"Oh me, oh my!" said the pig.

" Wow look at that baby burn"  said the cat

The dog lay there in pain.

The little Red Hen started to giggle. The little Red Hen's head began to feel all light and fluffy, the little Red Hen felt as if she could fly like an eagle. The smoke drifted across the farm yard.

" Hey wow man, that is good shit " said the pig

The cat just sat with a smile on it's face.

The pain in the dogs ears had subsided.

The fire brigade arrived accompanied by the police and put out the fire. The little Red Hen was arrested and taken away.

The cat and the pig died of starvation and the dog of cancer.

After 5 years for good behavior the little Red Hen returned to the farm yard and started to scrat around in a pile of rubbish the farmer had put in the corner. She found some old tomato plants, The little Red Hen scoured the yard  no one was around, picking them up she legged it as fast as her little legs could carry her. One of her cell mates had been a second cousin of Gold -D.