The real Red Riding Hood and other fairy tales

The Three Little Pigs

The Three Little Pigs

 Upon a once a time there were three little pigs. They lived happily at home with their mama. She fed them three square meals a day. They were very scrummy meals. Between meals they would play happily in the farmyard and when knackered at night had lovely beds of sweet smelling hay to sleep on.

As they grew they noticed that the meals were becoming slightly richer in content, they knew this was because their mama loved them so much. They were so, so happy, they could not have asked for a better life.

 One day as they were laying crisping themselves off in the sunshine the first little pig , who was very conscientious said to the others,

 “ Mama has treated us so well I think we need to and thank her for all her hard work and devotion to us “

 “ Sod off “ said the second little pig “ It was her choice to have us she knew the work involved , let’s just stay here and enjoy the sunshine, I can smell crackling , she must be making us lunch”

 “That’s you, you twat, said the third little pig you’re roasting in the sun “

 “ OOOOOH feck “ said the second little pig.

 “ I agree with my brother “ said the third pig “ we ought to thank Mama for all her work”

 “ Oh all right “ said the second little pig reluctantly, “ I need to cool off anyway”

 The three pigs made their way to the door of the house where they knew mama would be. She very seldom left the house as she was always paying the milkman, the coal man , the baker, the electricity man, the water man and today it was the butcher. Dada was never at home as he worked over in the barns a lot with the stupid cows who wouldn’t let the dairy maid milk them. He told mama he needed to train her how to do the job properly.

 The three little pigs could hear Mama talking to the butcher,

 " Go on then, what you waiting for, go tell her that crock of shit then" said the second little pig

 “ We have to wait our turn to talk to mama, it’s only polite “ said the first little pig

 “ Up yours “ said the second little pig “ I’m not wasting my time waiting for that old trout “

 “ I agree with my brother”  said the third little pig

 “ Oh very well “ said the second little pig “

The three pigs sat on the door step waiting for mama to finish with the butcher they couldn’t help but over hear what was going on.

 “ Ohh your hard” said mama

 “ I know, I know “ grunted the butcher

 “ Can’t we have it another way “ said mama

 “ No it’s my way or not at all “ said the butcher

 “oh very well you win “ said mama

 “ Good” said the butcher “ a pound a pound and no more “

 “ How’s a woman supposed to make a living at that price “ sighed mama

 “ I've got to make a living as well" said the butcher "Where are the little buggers then, I’ll get ‘em in the cart and they’ll be tasty joints within the hour “

 “They were playing in the yard , I’ll call them for you, here piggy piggy, here pig, pig, pig, “

 The three little pigs suddenly felt a wave of fear wash over them, they froze on the spot for a what seemed like an eternity as reality smacked them between the eyes,