I've heard it said that there are different levels of every emotion, each going deeper than the last. I thought I understood that then, but now I see I had no idea what emotion even is.
All my life I've been depressed. That has just been another problem I've dealt with. But for as long as I remember, day had been the worst part to handle, and that much was easy to control. However, constant responsibility and torment from myself caused me to long the reprieve of sleep. Sleep, where dreams were warm and welcoming, and life could be as you want it.
It must have been only a few weeks ago that that all changed.
Now, I dread the darkness in which I'm left feeling empty. I dread dreaming, for every time I close my eyes I see things which used to seem heavenly just weeks before, but now only make me feel cold and disgusted when I wake. Songs that I love during the day sound hidious during the night, and art that I find beautiful is repulsive. As hard as I try, I cannot explain it. Has something happened that I cannot recall?
What kept me firmly tied to the ground has let go, along with my self-respect. My relationships are falling apart due to terrible things I have done. At the time of the crime, I feel only numb, but deep regret later. The only reprieve I have now is through books, and the worlds I fall in to through their lines. What I deeply enjoyed and what made me happy stopped bringing me joy, and when looking back I find that everything that I have ever done or loved has become cold in my mind. Nothing brings me happiness any longer. Has something happened that I cannot recall?
If I search deeper and find the meaning of the grief, will I be able to escape from this pit of depression? Will I reclaim the parts of me I have lost? Will I rebuild my own image, maybe even better? Will life have warmth to it once more? Perhaps this will be what my life is comprised of until depression pulls me in, too deep to run from its grip. Has something happened that I cannot recall?
