So ive been on this high for the past week because my birthday was approaching. But now it's in literally two hours and I've fallen from the clouds and landed heart first with crushed lungs, trapping every reach for air.
Too poetic?
Whatever.
Here's why I'm out of spirit.
I have some family issues. And without going into detail, I can say, I have a horrible relationship with my mother.
Other people might look at it and say, "that's how black mothers are", "my mother's just like that", "why are you complaining," but I swear,
Maybe I'm just sensitive or maybe I'm finding ways to invalidate the doubt I have in my amount my love for my mother. I don't know.
But damnit, I find it hard to let the words "I love you" creep out of my throat without feeling the bitter after taste of deceit. The tone is always robotic and monotone. With no true emotion like there's an audience and cameras in display in front of us. Awing at the actors faked emotions.
I hated myself for the longest for having these feelings.
No one should hate their mother. The person that dealt with cracked ribs and an aching back just so I'd have the chance to see light of day.
But also the same person that has caused me so much pain. And I accept it. With my arms held out in front of me begging for more.
I smile wide to hide the fear. I joke with wit and sarcasm to show im unfazed.
Im so forced to seal my eyes with acid and accept artificial oblivion.
I've been whipped and seeked acceptance at her praise.
Ive been conformed and shaped to fit into her perfect mold.
But I am a square that does not fit inside of her circle.
She changes. Grows a million miles taller than I can ever be when I defy her. I back into a corner and cry.
Until everything's back to normal and we're laughing again.
I don't want to laugh anymore.
My stomach burns from chuckling harder and harder. Using the pain as and escape from my mind.
I don't want to talk anymore. I don't want anymore lies to slip out in false hopes.
I don't want to pretend anymore.
I don't love my mother.
