What Actually Happened With Thorin in Mirkwood

Bilbo (Or, Please take this Jewelry)

Thranduil: Remember when your bread went missing?

Legolas: I'm confused.

Bilbo: So once, the King of Mirkwood had a son named Legolas who enjoyed carbohydrates and left some out on a counter for innocent burglars to swipe. The end.

Thranduil: Legolas may be my son, but he's not me, unfortunately, so I suppose we can convict him instead for giving you bread. And what in Arda is an innocent burglar? Those things don't exist.

Legolas: Hey! This is completely unfair! It's not my fault he stole it. 

Thranduil: If you hadn't tried to eat that bread, Bilbo wouldn't have taken it!

Legolas: I guess I'll just starve next time, I'm so sorry. 

Thranduil: Apology accepted. 

Legolas: Oh, and I do not enjoy carbohydrates!

Bilbo: People who eat bread usually do. 

Legolas: But...okay, I like carbs. Sue me. 

Thranduil: You don't get this figure by sitting around eating baguettes!

Legolas: Well, apparently you do because I literally just eat bread all day and yesterday I got letter from Elf Fitness and they want to do a cover shoot. 

Thranduil: What?! 

Legolas: I have your genetics, what can I do? Now hush, we're trying to do a joint interrogation over here. 

Thranduil: That's the spirit. So, anyways.

Bilbo: *looking around awkwardly*

Thranduil: As it turns out, Legolas was apparently not trying to feed the raccoons.

Legolas: We don't even have raccoons in this part of Middle Earth, Ada. 

Thranduil: I was referring to Bilbo.

Bilbo: I'm a raccoon now?!

Thranduil: *ignores them* LEGOLAS WAS APPARENTLY NOT TRYING TO FEED THE RACCOONS. So I suppose it's not his fault. But it's not mine, either. 

Bilbo: I'm confused, how is it anyone's fault? I was hungry. I'm sorry I ate your bread. 

Thranduil: I'm glad you liked eating your stolen treasure. 

Bilbo: Bread is treasure? Who likes carbs now!?