The Love That Remains

Chapter 1

I twirl the dulled gold infinity ring round and round on my finger as I stare out the window, my uneven breathing still managing to frost it. The train rocks beneath me, the sound of the engine loud and clear, yet everything around me sounds muffled. There is only this moment and I can't look him in the eyes, not when I'm so vulnerable. At any moment he can walk away and I'd be left here, a shell of the person I once was. My life would separate into two parts. Before I told him everything, and after I told him everything... and he walked away. I take in a shaky breath and begin, I'm as ready as I'll ever be. "You know.. I once dreamed of flying... yet feared falling. I would scour the earth for anything that could come close to it. I'd stand above cliff after towering cliff, the dependable sparkling blue sea always below me... and free fall. And as I flew for those precious few seconds, I'd face my greatest fear, falling. It became a twisted love of the fall yet fear of landing. It was a beautiful line, tempting death yet living like never before. A line I tip toed time and time again. 'Would this be the last time?' It almost didn't matter when it felt like I'd never lived up until the moment I flew. But, then, I began to fear flying. I stood still, refusing to let my feet leave the ground for even a second. But as I stood still, life passed me by. I was paralyzed by my fear, constantly waiting for life to happen. For something, anything, to make me move."

"So what'd you do?" He asks, staring at my profile. I know he wants me to look at him, so he can see my eyes and tell how I'm feeling but I simply can't. I've never had to tell someone so much before. Facts, yes. The facts are easy. I can tell anyone my entire life story without even flinching. But asks me how it all made me feel and what it did to me? I shut down. Sharing my emotions is too much. Not once in my life have I allowed anyone so close. Not once.

"I made myself move." I say, finally looking him in the eye, because in this moment, in these four words, the only thing I feel, just as I felt back then, is strength.

"And how'd you do that?" He asks, holding my gaze. His eyes beg me not to look away again but I do.

"Well in order to tell you that I have to start from the beginning. So that you can understand." I say, "It's a lot." I say, hoping he'll drop it and let this be as far as this piece goes. I don't think I can handle it.... but more than anything, I fear he can't handle it. Because I know, if I tell him everything... He will walk away.