Life I Left Behind (A Daryl Dixon Story)

Chapter Twenty-Two

"Keep your mouth shut. I don't need to be covered in your puke." He said in a gruff voice. I didn't argue, but only because I was worried he was right. If I tried to talk, I'd probably just end up vomiting.

I was aware of Carol walking next to us as we made our way back into the camp. We bypassed the other tents and kept going till we had reached Daryl's little camp. He set me down on the log he had been using as a bench. Carol sat next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I grasped her other hand and glanced at her to see she was also crying.

"I'm so sorry, Carol. I know how much you all loved him." I managed to get out. "I'm sorry I'm so upset…it's just…" I couldn't finish the sentence.

She nodded. "I know. He was kind to you. He was a good man."

Daryl returned a second later and knelt down in front of me. He held out a tin cup filled with water. "Drink." He commanded before standing straight again and striding towards his tent.

I took a big gulp, rinsing the irony taste from my mouth. I drained the whole cup in a few seconds and my stomach felt much calmer. Carol rubbed my back with one hand, grasping one of my hands in her free one.

"I can't believe this happened. We thought we were safe here. We tricked ourselves into thinking we were immune." She said sadly.

I nodded. "I was barely here over a week and I felt the same way. This place felt like a dream. And Dale…he was one of the nicest people I've ever met. Even before this messy world."

There was the sudden sound of approaching footsteps and Lori suddenly appeared, looking just as grief stricken and torn up as I felt inside and out. "Charlie, can you keep an eye on Carl. I need to…to help Rick."

"I'll do it. I'll watch him." Carol spoke up before I could. "You should sit here for a few minutes. You're still shaking a little."

I nodded, giving her the best smile I could muster. She gave my hand one last squeeze before following after Lori. When she was gone, I wrapped my arms around myself, squeezing tightly. I remembered feeling slightly like this when I lost Gabe. I was out of sorts for days. I remembered just sitting in the attic of an old house, just trying to hold myself together. Wrapping my arms around myself as if it would help keep the pieces together.

Daryl emerged from the tent a second later, a towel in one hand. He tossed it to me, motioning to my hands. "Clean yourself up."

I looked down and realized they were covered in Dale's blood. I took a deep breath and began scrubbing the red smears from my skin. It was still slick and wet and came off easily.

"I forgot how hard it was…watching someone die." I said quietly. I hadn't been around people for so long, hadn't even remotely cared about anyone's wellbeing beside my own, that I had forgot I was capable of feeling this kind of hurt.

Daryl grunted in response before dropping down on the log next to me. I snuck a glance at him. He looked weighted down in that moment, which was the way that I felt. Like the reality of everything we had been trying to shut out while on the farm was finally beginning to press in again and rest on our shoulders.

"Shouldn't have happened. Don't know what the hell that walker was doin' this close to the camp." He said finally.

I balled up the red stained towel in my hands. "Daryl…" I began hesitantly. He didn't respond so I took a breath and began again. "Daryl, where's Merle?" It was a question that had been burning in the back of my mind since the moment I had laid eyes on Daryl. I hadn't had a chance to bring it up before now, at least not without immediately getting shut down. I realized this was the first moment of peace between the two of us. I felt like I was walking on broken glass, just trying to keep it from falling to pieces.

Daryl stiffened for a moment and a braced myself, watching his mouth grow tight. A second later, though, he relaxed, letting out a breath of air. "I dunno. We lost him in Atlanta. He's alive, though. No way that bastard's dead. I just gotta find him."

I nodded. "Merle's one tough son of a gun." I said quietly.

"Guess he was shootin' his mouth off during a raid and Rick had to chain him to the roof. Went back to look for him and ain't nothin' left but his hand."

I felt my eyes widen. "He…he cut off his own hand?" I asked incredulously. "Holy shit…"

Daryl nodded and shot me a sidewise look. There was just barely a ghost of a smile on his lips. "Like you said…he's a tough son of a bitch."

I admired his hopefulness. Or maybe it was his stubbornness, refusing to believe that his brother hadn't made it. It was the same feeling I had when I thought about the last time I saw Gabe. Although my hope was slowly ebbing away with each passing day. Daryl hadn't seen his brother go down. He had even found a tiny, farfetched stretch of proof that Merle had made it off the roof alive. I had nothing. Daryl must have sensed where my mind had drifted.

"Gabe. Your lil' brother. Did he make it?" He asked.

I hesitated. I knew what I had seen, but I didn't know what I believed. I took a deep breath. "He's…I mean he was…-"

Approaching footsteps cut me off midsentence. We both looked up at the same time to see Carol had returned. She looked drained, tired. She managed a small smile when she looked at me though. "You look a little better." Carol said. "Rick, Lori, and Herschel are arranging a funeral for Dale tomorrow morning. Carl is a mess, apparently he thinks this is somehow his fault." She sighed shaking her head.

I furrowed my eyebrows together. "How? This was an accident…Carl didn't force that walker to attack Dale."

"I know that, but he's a child. I think it's easy to forget that." She said softly. "You look tired…I came to ask if you wanted to bunk in my tent tonight. I don't know how comfortable you'll feel. Sleeping in his RV. Andrea won't step foot near it right now.

I felt my chest tightened, completely having forgotten that Dale's RV had been home for the past week. She was right, I couldn't go in there. Not tonight. "Thanks, Carol. That's really nice of you." I said. I realized then how heavy my limbs felt, how the skin around my eyes felt raw from the tears. I needed to rest. I glanced over to where Daryl had been seconds ago and was surprised to see he was no longer sitting next to me. He must have gotten up in the middle of Carol and I talking and slipped off. I tried to ward off the disappointment I felt. It was the first time we had gotten along. I wasn't sure when we would have another moment like that, if ever. The circumstances of tonight had changed the dynamics of our relationship, but I had a feeling it had only been temporarily.

"Let's go. I'm exhausted." I said, standing up. Carol wrapped an arm around my shoulder and led me back to the rest of the camp. I glanced one last time over my shoulder. He still wasn't there.