Another Word For Loneliness

I Dont Do Parties

My heart rate escalated little by little from every passing car or small noise around the corner. Yet the only one following me was my shadow from each street light. The reason I acknowledged my shadow is because this was the 80th time I checked for a impostor to be following me. The darkness ate at my soul like a vulture with its new feast. My breathing was heavy from walking so long, but my legs were heavier. With every step my legs burnt.
I soon stood in front of my house with the window my brother broke for batting practice. The curtains closed and lights off. I slowly walked up the creaky steps to my door holding the keys to silence myself. I listened to the cracking as I unlocked the door. A light glow from the kitchen brightening up the small table across from the kitchen. "Mom? Dance practice got out late again." My mother stepped from the kitchen her only grey strands of hair falling to her face. "That's been happening often, hasn't it?" My mother asked stabbing me with her gaze. "Yeah, what was for diner." I pursed my lips into a smirk sitting at the small table. "Leftovers." I heard her open the refrigerator. I sat, back facing her and stared at the chair across from me. My mom put a cup of water in front of me and proposed she'd go to sleep. I watched her walk up the stairs that slightly curled to her room. I looked at my phone 9:30p.m. My mom woke up at three in the morning she worked for the police force and had long tough hours ahead of her. I didn't blame her for going to sleep and not staying awake to chat. I grabbed a tub of ice cream from the freezer and sat on the couch. Chocolate with extra sprinkles, my favorite. I did feel partially bad for the fact I lied to my mother almost every night. I haven't had a dance class since I was five. My mother has thought I've been going to them since I was thirteen and told her I wanted to start in them again. Since then I have stayed after school everyday, avoiding the conversation of a dance marathon or whatever the hell they do. "So, where the fuck have you been?" I heard a familiar voice making me jump almost ten feet in the air. "Go away." I looked up at my brother shooting pain darts from my gaze, or thats what it felt like anyway. "Harsh, I'm just trying to look out for my little sister." Spencer playfully punched me. "Don't touch me." I kept my face emotionless. "Come on Addi." He paused then continued "Try not to come so late anymore." I looked back at the no longer frozen ice cream on my lap. "Last time I checked you had nothing to do with my birth." I mumbled. He walked up the stairs leaving me with my shadow again. "What are you looking at?!" I turned to my shadow that the small lamp caused. "He's a jerk to me all the time stop judging!" I stared at the black figure I was portraying. "What am I saying I'm talking to a shadow." I grasped a spoon full of ice cream and let it melt in my mouth. Just then my phone rang. "Hello?" I put the spoon back into the ice cream and watched it fall into the now slush that sat in a container. "Hey, Addison you home?" I heard Suzy said from the other line. I looked around my house and down at my shoes on the coffee table. "No..." I sarcastically said. "Can you c-come over?" Her voice cracked. "You mean sneak out without permission, yeah sure I'll be there in ten." I hung the phone up and walked out the front door carefully locking it. I started my walk down two houses to Suzy's. This was my second to last year in high school and she has been my friend ever since the first day of school. The first day we met I tripped over some over weight kid laying on the floor because he was tripped by a jock. Imagining the scene makes me smile. He got tripped, I tripped over him spilling all the beef and fruit I had on my lunch plate all over Suzy and her brand new dress. She would have screamed if her hands weren't covering her mouth.
Before I could even knock on her door Suzy opened it. "Come on hurry!" She practically yelled. "Okay, okay!" I used the same tone as her. Her dark blonde hair swung as she shut the door. She wore a light blue shirt, long blue pants with white socks. We walked to her yellow room. She locked the door behind her than turned flipping her hair toward me. "Whoa there Repunzel, wouldn't want anyone getting hurt with that weapon of yours." I backed away. "Ha-ha funny!" She rolled her eyes and pulled her phone from her pocket. "What's so important that you have to lock the door." I stood and sat on the chair next to her small desk. "Look!" She said showing me her phone. I looked at the contact name that stated *logan<3* "Ew." I commented on the contact name. "Look what he said Addi." I looked down at the last message that said "maybe we should be more then..." This message utterly confused me so I took her phone and read up a little. "Logan you piss me off I don't ever want to be your friend again!" I looked up at Suzy with my left eyebrow raised. "I didn't say I didn't want to be his friend again Ashley took my phone and said that, Logan wants to be more than friends with me!" Suzy's eyes were ecstatic. "So?" I asked with less of an expression. "My crush is crushing on me back." Suzy fell on her back to the bed and laid her hands across her chest. "So?" I watched as she picked up her nearest pillow and hugged it. "He wants to be with me! That's so!" She said closing her eyes as she showed affection to the pillow. I blinked exactly three times, stood from her bed, and unlocked the door. I wasn't so good with the romance topic, or beauty topic, or any topic, probably because I had none of them. "Goodnight, Suzy." "Night." She added after I closed the door. I was happy for my friend, but sadly I just wasn't good enough to give her advice.
I unlocked the front door again hearing the familiar cracking again. No one was awake so I crept up to my room. It was around 11:00p.m. now. My room was dark with only a light from the moon guiding my way to my bed.... I've had one relationship. His name was Devon, he was beautiful. Literally his lean posture and unpredictable smile made him very popular with the ladies. It's too bad the men is what he was looking for. Devon was always with his football teammates, one night they had a 'friendly' get together, Devon insisted the party was men only, no girls allowed. I decided I'd go after I heard Suzy was going with her ex boyfriend Benjamin. I went upstairs to surprise Devon and the last thing I remember seeing is another guy on top of him.
It's one thing for a guy to cheat. But finding out he was a homosexual was mentally destroying. Me and Devon have classes together, I also have classes with his boyfriend. But talking to him is something I desperately try to avoid.
My eye lids felt heavy so closing them was easy. I let myself fall asleep.
"Addison! Wake up!! You're late." I opened my eyes to stare at my rushing mother. "Get up lets go, go, go!" I watched her with fidgety hands open my dresser. I stood from my bed and put my hands over my head stretching. "Hurry!" My mom scolded me. I watched her move from my room shutting my door. I looked in the mirror and ran my hand through my long black hair. I stayed in the jeans I wore for bed and looked at myself once again. I spun in a full circle then opened my door mumbling the words "still ugly." I went to the bathroom and put makeup on. I put a green long sleeve shirt on, and walked from the bathroom. "Brings out your eyes." My mom kissed my cheek and practically pushed me out the door throwing my book-bag after me. I checked to see if my brothers car was in the driveway. "He must be at school already." I groaned. I guess I have to walk.
It took my brother months to pay for his lean car. He put so much work into everything that he deserved.
I checked my phone for the time. Ten minutes late. I walked up the front steps to the huge high school. "Addi late again?" As soon as I opened the the heavy school doors I looked down at the crimson haired lady in front of me. She was clicking her fingers against a keyboard. "Yes, ma'am." I smiled proud of how late I was. "Here, but you can't keep doing this I can get fired." She handed me a pass saying I was with her for the time I lost in class. "Thanks." I waved to her with the hand the pass was in but she waved me off staring at her computer. I walked to class taking my time with my pass. After walking into my class I handed the pass to my teacher, Mr. Sala. He gave me a uncertain look and pointed to my seat. I sat next to Suzy who was busy smiling at her phone. "Who are you texting, Logan." I winked and shot her a smirk. Her smile widened from ear to ear. Suzy had a crush on Logan since after she broke up with Benjamin. He moved away sophomore year and they decided it'd be easier to break up. It seemed logical. After the break up Suzy got a little depressed until her new prey Logan asked for her number. I remember seeing excitement scatter across her face as she told me about Logan texting her.
After thirty minutes of zoning out time I heard the annoyance of the bell interrupting my thoughts, and sending kids rushing out of the class room like running water. I grabbed my books and stepped out of the class. My small figure fit between all the slackers standing in the middle of the hallway. There's no getting passed these kids. I accidentally push passed a tall guy and his girlfriend. "Fuck you, bitch!" His words stab needles throughout my stomach. I turn and give him a stare to break a soul. He slowly backed away with a confused face. "Addison Lynn Erickson." I heard someone call. I turned to see Dawson a tall rude boy with a smirk, and body full of tattoos. "Dawson's Creek." I laughed at my play with his name. "Ha, funny. So Addison Lynn did you get the apologetic letter yet." Dawson looked me seriously in the eyes. I was confused by his question. "What, letter?" I asked frowning my eyebrows. "The one from the condom factory apologizing for your birth." His lips curled, mine dropped. "Dawson..." I looked up at him giving him a sad look. "Y-yeah?" His voice cracked. "Somewhere in this world is a tree that's giving you oxygen, you should apologize to it." I patted his chest twice giving him a sad smile and walked away. Dawson was my brothers best friend, they knew each other since middle school. It was our obligation to be mean to one another. He was tall with dirty blonde hair and the darkest eyes a human can have. He did bench press with my brother on the weekends. When I was younger they'd pick on me. Unfortunately me being picked on by them hasn't stopped.
I rolled my eyes as I walked into my anatomy class. Surprisingly cutting a worm up isn't as fun as it sounds.
The next two periods went quick since I was on my phone looking up the lesson answer sheets the whole time.
Lunch finally! I mentally sighed. I sat across from Suzy and Logan. They were starring into each other's eyes. Raising a eyebrow at their clenched hands I took a deep breath. "Oh Addi, we didn't see you there." Suzy gave me a quick smile than stood up with Logan. Their hands still attached she announced she'd get lunch with him. I looked down at the table where a shadow cast. "What?" I looked at my shadow. "I'm happy for her!" I stared at the nonliving figure than down at my jeans. Suzy always had a guy, or friend with her. Speaking of her friends here comes Lucifers demon spawn. "Hey Addi! Where's Suzy?" A bouncy brunet walked toward me with her hands on her hips. I pointed to Suzy and Logan who were holding hands and smiling in line. Ashley sat next to me, dammit. "Totally crazy that her and Logan are dating right?" She said smoothing her black skirt. I gave her skirt a blank stare then looked back at my pants. "I guess." I answered her question in a whisper, hoping she didn't hear. She excitedly clapped her hands and bounced in her seat. Don't fall off, I smiled at the thought of her falling off. "Why are you smiling?" Ashley questioned. "Nothing, I'm just happy for Suzy." I held my smile until Suzy came back.
The last bell rang and I took my time getting to my locker. "Addison Lynn!" I turned to see my brother and Dawson behind me. "Stop calling me Addison Lynn!" I crossed my arms looking Dawson in the face. "You need a ride?" My brother asked "If it bothers you I'll keep doing it!" Dawson yelled. "No, and asshole!" I looked from my brother to Dawson. "A-Addison!" I looked over and watched Easton running down the hall. Easton was a skinny boy with white hair he was a inch taller than me. His eyes were so emerald green you could see them a mile away. "Addison Lynn is good with the women too." Dawson poked fun at Easton. "Hi Addison, my older sister is throwing a birthday party two days from now, wanna come?" He put his hand behind his head, and handed me a invitation. "I hate parties." I threw the invitation. Easton's face dropped into disappointment. Dawson picked the invitation up. "Tell you what East Addison Lynn will come to this party of yours, only if me and Spencer can come too." Dawson handed Spencer the invitation, and I groaned. "Um, I'm ok with that." Easton looked over at me his eyes blinding. "Great!" Dawson shot his famous smile. "What's so great?" Chelsea, Dawson's girlfriend grabbed onto his arm. I despised of her perfect straight hair and almond eyes. She was wearing a grey crop top and shorts way too short. I turned to face my locker avoiding the affection Dawson showed towards her. "Nothing, we are talking about East sisters party." Dawson smiled at her. "Yeah, I'm so going!" I rolled my eyes at her comment. " I have to go!" I hissed, sharply turning. Spencer had a worried face but watched me walk away. "A-Addison! Wait up." I heard Easton jog behind me. We walked out of the school then I turned toward him. "What? Why are you following me?" I harshly asked. "I thought we could... I... I thought we could hang out a little." Easton's mouth pursed into a thin line. "Sorry I'm busy." I said turning my back to him.
Walking wasn't far just a few blocks away. It was a old church. It was the place I loved being. So quiet, so abandoned, so lonely. I walked into the church. It was completely abandoned for a several years now. I came here everyday after school to get the peace I needed. I walked up the stairs then climbed the ladder to the little bell at the very top of the church, sat there and took some of my books from the floor to read. This was like my second home. A place I shared with only myself. The old damp wood smelt like home, sweet home. I laid my head on my backpack and closed my eyes. The moments I spent in this church were ones I could never forget. The first time I found it was when the older kids at my middle school were bullying me. They chased me with fireworks on the 4th of July, until I found this old place. The only thing I could think was to climb so I did. Sleep overcame me and a nap was my new priority. I gave my body what it wanted and fell into a deep sleep. By the time I got home that night it was almost 9:00p.m. When I walked in my mom was already asleep. I opened the fridge to grab a water. "Addi.." I jumped spilling some of my water on the floor. "What Spencer?" I grabbed paper towels. "If you don't stop coming home so late I'm telling mom you don't go to dance practice." He stood looking for emotion in me. "Why?" I asked shrugging. "Where do you even go?" He asked avoiding my question. "Who cares? I'm seventeen almost a adult." I crossed my arms and threw the wet paper towels away. "Whatever." Spencer turned around and walked up the stairs. I could hear the exhaustion in his voice.