"There were always those nights where her mind went to war with her heart, the fight between what she knew, what she felt and what she had to do. Sometimes the hardest decisions are made under the moon." -r.h Sin
I remember being stuck in the dark. They trapped me in this cold cage and I wanted out. I wanted to scream and cry and break free. I wanted to see the light and breathe. I wanted to live.
"Adriana?" I didn't recognise the voices in my head, neither did I recognise any of the things they were saying. "We're coming to get you." "We'll never stop looking..." I wished to understand them or to not hear them ever again. Where were these voices coming from? "They won't find out." Please help!
I am still here. I'm still alive, I think? But I can't do or say anything. I'm trapped in my own body, in my own mind. And god dammit I want out. I feel like I have a battle inside me every single day, something in me is still fighting to get out. And every single day this battle is lost. I lose over and over and over again... and I'm not sure if I will ever win this fight.
"Darkness?" I hear someone whispering. Not the voices again, please make it stop!
"Darkness, come back." I felt someones hand lay itself over mine. Could it be? Was I awake? I tried blinking my eyes a couple of times, finally the owner of the voice came to sight.
"How are you feeling?" Soldier asked me and I felt him pull his hand away from mine.
"Cold," was the first thing I managed to say and he was trying to hide his amused smile.
"Pierce needs her!" I heard someone shout and noticed all of the amusement from his face disappear immediately.
"Come on, we need to go." he said hesitantly.
I followed him to the room where Pierce and quite a few other people were already waiting. Pierce ushered me to sit down on some sort of mechanical chair as soon as he saw me and I did just that.
"It's been a while, hasn't it?" he said and took a seat in front of me, "a year and a half to be exact."
My eyes widened as soon as he said the last part. A year and a half? I remember the last time I saw him he told us that we will be going to sleep for a while, but that was definitely not what I expected to hear.
After that Pierce wanted to know if during that time I remembered anything and I told him about the voices in my head. I don't remember exactly what happened after that, well actually I didn't remember pretty much anything then. I remember my brain feeling like it was going to explode and the machine peeping. He took the voices away. He took everything away.
* * *
Straight shots right through the wall, I hadn't lost my ability to aim thankfully. The man was down and two people quickly rushed to his aid.
"Get out of there now!" Rumlow's voice came through both of our earpieces and we quickly obeyed the order.
A man who Fury had just been talking to was running after us, but we didn't look back. I could hear the stuff in the rooms below us shattering and I knew that he couldn't be far behind.
We had just made the jump from one roof to another before I had to duck from behind Soldier, "look out."
The man had thrown his shield at us which Soldier caught with his metal arm without a problem. I got back up right when the Soldier threw the shield back and grabbed me to make the jump down. Hydra car was already there to pick us up and to get us out of there as fast as possible.
I felt numb throughout the whole night. Once again I had been stripped of my memories and once again I found myself caring less and less about who I had become and who I hurt along the way.
It felt as though something was missing as soon as Soldier and I went our separate ways after giving the mission report. I didn't know what it was and I honestly doubted that I'll ever find out. However the thing I knew was that I felt undoubtedly lonely in my bedroom.
I tossed and turned in my bed for hours, never finding the perfect position to sleep in. Finally I gave up and decided to spend my time by looking out of the window to see a full moon lighting up the night sky. I wondered what it would be like to be able to walk outside right now, to feel the cool air hitting my skin, to embrace the quietness of the world at this hour.
I kept trying to figure myself out so I stumbled into the bathroom to get a better look at myself and to wash away the war paint, as they liked to call it. I liked watching the black paint colouring the sink and slowly running down the drain. My face was covered in black streaks that I was struggling to scrub off. Small, pale girl with blonde hair and dull blue eyes, with no evident emotion in them, looked back from the mirror. I looked like a ghost, I looked like someone that hasn't seen the sun in ages and quite frankly I don't think I had.
I noticed a faint scar running up my arm and I wondered where I had received that from. Actually it made me wonder if I had any more scars like this one. As I lifted my shirt up a little I noticed way too many faded scars and old wounds from where I had either been cut or shot, even burned I think? To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I kept running my fingers over the mangled skin on my stomach, too distracted to hear my bedroom door opening.
"We're not so different you and I." I jumped at the sound of his voice and finally noticed him from the mirror.
Soldier was leaning against my bathroom door frame with his hands crossed over his chest, looking at me through the mirror the same way I was looking at him.
"What do you mean by that?" I asked still not turning around to face him properly.
He pushed himself away from the door frame and started slowly making his way towards me. My eyes followed his every movement but I didn't dare to turn around.
He stopped right behind me and whispered "These," while pointing at the long scar on my arm. "you're not the only one with scars."
I looked at it for a moment and turned around to face him, trying to change the subject, "Why aren't you asleep? It's 4 am."
"Why aren't you?" he asked right back making me roll my eyes, "Here, you usually liked reading those files." he said before handing me two folders.
"Oh, thanks." I answered back quickly before making my way around him back to my room.
He followed me out but only to go his separate way once again, as I went to my bed he walked over to the door. Stopping there with his hand resting on the doorknob.
"You and I need to always be ready to fight. Fight for our right to exist." and with that he left, leaving me staring at the spot he had just stood.
YOU ARE READING
Never be the same (Bucky Barnes/The Winter Soldier)
Fanfiction"What he did to you was monstrous," they kept saying that, but they weren't getting the sentence right, "They. They did it." I said back, my drained voice close to a whisper. "Okay, then, what they did to you was monstrous," they tried again, "And n...
