Flashback // phan

Flashback

Sorry if there are any mistakes, English is not my first language, although that's not an exuse. Also, this is my first phanfiction.

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The last time I saw him was years ago.

His black hair was disheveled from all this running but his eyes had this sprinkle that I loves so much about him. Black jeans, black T-shirt, black boots. He was such a contrast. Pale skin - brown eyes, kind personality - dark humour, bad mood - bright future. And even though I wasn't completely sober I new that he will always stay in my mind. Maybe not in my heart because I quickly got tired of many things, but in my mind - forever. He was part of my memories, memories which will not, cannot vanish. A small particle for the universe, the whole universe for me. He was the universe and he knew it, and he took advantage of it, and he controled me. And I let him.

- I'm sorry this is your last image of me. I didn't mean to drink that much. - the words came out of my mouth slurred and half-baked, just like everything else in my life.

- I won't remember you this way. Just like how you won't remember me, because you nothing from this night will stay in your memory. - his tone was cool and I wasn't used to it. Not because he hasn't talked to me like that before but because I hadn't heard from him for months.

- Really? And how are you going to remember me? - I asked with feigned naive smile while I was trying to keep my eyes open.

- I will remember you alive and smiling, on the alert for the opportunities which are given to you by life. And beautiful. God, so beautiful. - His eyes travelled around my face and the tears that I somehow supressed all this time started to carve their way to my cheeks.

No matter how many times I repeated that his words don't make sense, that he doesn't mean a thing to me, I knew that I will never believe myself. Because he was special. Maybe not for the others, maybe for them he was just an ordinary boy who got the chance to move away, a smart lad who made it to the top via his sence of humour and the effort and passion he put in everything he did in his life. But for me he was so much more. More than anyone could imagine, including me.

- Don't you want to know how will I remember you? - I asked. The alcohol didn't affect me, not really. My thoughts were running fast, making me want to stop them in some other way. And even though that the idea of thinking about many thing at the same time may sound appealing to some people, only I know how much stress and unhappines the overthinking has brought on me.

- I want. But I doubt that you will remember me in any way. After all you are you and no matter how much I love you, I know I will never be what you need. And eventually you will get sick of me. I don't want this to happen. - His eyes looked at his hands which were tangled with mine.

I wanted to tell him he wasn't right. That I will remember him and I don't want him to leave. I want to be the selfish who I was before I had met him so that I could be capable of asking him to stay. But Dan destroyed everything I believed in. The illusion I turned my self-love being one of the these things. Self-preservation. What a fool I am!

- I will remember you with your smile. - I continued, ignoring most of his words. - Always so bright and so genuine. The fact that you show it only when you really feel like it makes it even more special. And your eyes which hide the world you designed and which I wanted so desperately to be part of. And your comforting words, and your scent, and your questions, and the way you make me feel every beautiful feeling in the world at the same time, and your arms which are always open for me, no matter what I do and which mistake I repeat. And the security, and the way you make me feel at home.

- Phil...

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the alcohol got to my subconsciousness, making me say everything I thinked of Dan and my relationsip with him without making me feel like a lovesick fool.

In the next moment I was pressed against Dan's chest, crying on his shoulder and it seems like we were back at the start when he was the only one who got to see my tears which I was shedding for everithing that was wrong with me and my life.

We are not at the start, but at the end and when I realised that I couldn't stop myself from crying harder. Dan said nothing. There wasn't anything. He also knew that there's no force on Eart which can make us feel the whole situation right.

- I'm sorry it didn't work out. And for my leaving. - His words were quiet, as if it was one of these nights in which he was comforting me and saying everything will be okay. The irony!

- I'm sorry, too. - And I really was. I didn't want him to take the blame because it was our both's fault. Maybe we didn't try hard enough, maybe we gave up too early and easy or maybe the fate is a bitch. I stopped crying a long time ago, realising there wasn't a point of it. Nothing would change and the faster I accept it, the less time I will need to recover. But instead of relaxing me, the thought of this only makes my heart aches and my head feels heavier.

- It's not a good idea to stay here.

- When do you leave? - My voice was quiet and unstable and I didn't want to know how pathetic and desparate I sounded. I hoped it was less than how I felt.

- After two days. - He couldn't look me in the eyes. And despite the part of me which wanted to blame him, the other one, the stronger, was telling me it wasn't his fault, it was ours. I had to be there for him. Because he had done it so many times, because he deserved it and because I loved him. More than myself. More than anyone else.

- Don't worry about me. Think for yourself for once in your life. I want you to go there and make your dream, which you talk about since I know you come true. You know I'm a strong boy. I will also leave this town next year. And during this year while you learn how to animate and direct films, I will be studying, taking my finals ans SAT's and apllying to the universities of my dreams. We will make it. Both of us. Maybe not together, but still. Thank you for being here, next to me all these years and I'm glad you were the first person I fell in love with. I have no regrets. Maybe we will see each other again sometime in the future. - My words sounded optimistic and for the first time for months I let myself feel hope. The hope that I didn't feel that strong yet, but which I knew will spread around my life with time.

- You will always be the most different boy I've ever been with. I will probably miss you forever because you make it so hard fo a person to not miss you. And maybe you're right and we will see each other again. - And for the first time I wished Dan didn't express his emotions so clear so that I could pretend I hadn't heard the heartbroken tone in his voice.

In the next moment I was yet again in his arms and this was the last time.

Maybe we stayed like this for minutes, hours but I felt like they were seconds.

Qiuck fleeting moments.

And he was gone. Like I blinked and he disappeard.

We didn't keep our promise. We didn't see each other again. Sometimes I think I hear his voice. Or see him in the crowd. But the voice of my little daughter brings me back to reality and makes this misbelief go away. One look at her and nothing else matters.

I have the job that I've always dreamt of and the family I have always hoped for. My husband loves me and I am in love with him, too.

Everything is alright.

Even without Dan.

Everything is okay almost all the time.

Almost always at 4 am.