I cannot believe it. In 13, days, it'll be 6 months. 6 months since this all started. 6 months since all of the anxiety started.
This is not a happy "whoa, 6 months". This is... well heck, it's kind of awful. I mean, I thought I was just really stressed that day... but it's gone into more than just that. Some DR, panic attacks, depression, self worth issues, therapist visits, and self harm issues. Dang...
There have been 2 types of people in this. Those who shun me, disown me, and that I hide everything I can from and the people who have been amazing friends and family and helped me through this. So, here are messages.
To those who have been less than helpful: When I squeeze my left fist, I'm trying to keep myself from shaking or hyperventilating or generally freaking out. When I stare out the window, I'm either daydreaming, had a really rough day, or a combination of the two. So asking me "what's wrong with you" or giving me those judgemental stares ain't helpin'. It's just making the situation worse. I've gotten used to it. I know you're never going to actually talk to me other than trying to use me for my knowledge or being a bit jerky. But you have not been inside of my head. You do not get it. So please take your judgement and rudeness somewhere else. 'Cause I'm a little fed up.
Now on a more positive note. To those who have helped me, been there for me, and have just been amazing, I need t say this. I'm sorry. I know I've caused you a lot of worry and concern, and I seriously feel awful for that. I don't want to make you feel this way. I never want to make you hurt. But... thank you as well. You guys have been what's kept me going. I seriously need it some days. Most days now, actually. It's probably confusing or annoying or just plain scary sometimes, but you stick with me. So thank you.
And a special thank you to my best friend, Sascha, or freeshavocadoo. You've always been there for me, even when you felt awful yourself. I will never be able to make this up to you, so for now... *hugs*.
