I haven't done a dedication in a while, but this chapter goes out to KareBearStare. Y'all might catch a few references. ^^
"What should I wear?"
"Black jeans, blood orange tank with the pocket, leather jacket," I direct Alex as I examine my own outfit. It looks good, but I don't feel like myself. I slide my sleeves over my hands to cover how blank they are. I sweep my hair to the side a little. Maybe I should stick it in a bun? It's not quite long enough to braid properly like I used to with Kirstie and Avi. I want to shave it all off, and I want my septum ring back.
I've mostly gotten used to looking this way, but sometimes I still feel like this body doesn't even belong to me. Does it? If it did, I'd still have my tattoos. I frown and pull my shirt off, revealing a boring swath of lean, toned, tan, hairy nothing. I was going to live with those emblems my whole life, but where are they now? Disintegrated into my bloodstream and filtered out through my liver like poison.
"Nice outfit," Alex chuckles. Maybe I should go to dinner topless. I probably would, just as a joke, if restaurants didn't have a general policy against serving shirtless patrons, and if I didn't hate looking at myself without my ink. Instead, I pull some black pens and markers out of my desk drawer and hold them out to Alex.
"Would you?" I ask.
He accepts a couple of Sharpies and pulls a chair up to the side of the bed while I arrange the blankets and pillows so I'm comfortable facedown, arms crossed under my chest. I come close to falling asleep as he turns me into a canvas, doodling to his heart's content. It doesn't feel anything like getting a real tattoo, but it's soothing. When he's done, I make him photograph it for me so I can see. He's left gorgeous markings all across my back. Some places have scales, some have smatterings of black stars, and some are full of lines and circles. Near the top, in the middle of my shoulder blade, there's a little blank patch the shape of a pentagon. It's surrounded by ornate patterns, but it's empty inside.
"It's beautiful," I breathe. Just looking at it is making my heart ache, but I wish I could keep it. I'll show it off for tonight at least. I hang my shirt and pick out a backless one instead. Even though I can't see any of it in the mirror, I still feel a little better knowing there's something there. There's just one last thing. I take the red box from the top of my dresser and carefully assemble the pieces of my love bracelet around my wrist, holding a screw in my mouth to align it. I bought this for myself, and I'm the only one who gets to put it on me. I can't wear it during films because a) it's out of character and b) the design is copyrighted, but it feels good to have it on again. It feels permanent, even if it isn't really, and I need that right now.
Alex brings me to a small vegan restaurant his coworker recommended. While I order a giant portobello mushroom soaked in vinaigrette, he digs into an unadventurous loaf of rosemary bread with olive oil. I'm definitely coming back here again. The food is amazing. Maybe it's actually too good. Now that we've inhaled it, we're just left staring at each other. Alex seems troubled, uncomfortable. I wait for him to tell me what's on his mind.
"I'm not sure this is working."
"It's been a little rough, but I'm trying. What do you need?"
"It wasn't really built to last."
"Relationships usually aren't at first. You just try it and see if it goes somewhere, and if it's worth it, you start investing in it."
"It's been fun."
"It's been a lot more than fun, Alex."
