Advice: protips
Advise: to give advice
Scott does call when he gets back, but I miss it because I'm working. We get in touch the next day. "Hey Mitch." He's on his bed, wrapped up in a mountain of blankets.
"I'm sorry we didn't talk more when you were here. I wanted to take you to the airport and talk about why you believe me now—you still believe me, right? But I stayed up all night and I just couldn't keep my eyes open."
"You stayed up all night?"
"I kinda got lost on the way home. I still got some sleep at the club, though, so—"
"The club? You can't sleep there! That's not safe! What happened?"
He makes me recount the full story, and he keeps freaking out in spite of the fact that I clearly survived the experience and didn't get hurt. "Do you know what kinds of creeps and predators are out there?" he demands.
"I have a pretty good idea. I'm fine. It's not like I wanted to wander around the city alone at night, but nobody bothered me."
"I should have come get you."
"I didn't tell you."
"Mitch, no matter what's going on between us, I always want you to be safe, you understand? That's never changed. I would have helped."
It's not much, wanting someone not to be mugged or assaulted, but the idea of something, even something as primitive as that protective instinct, surviving this whole time gives me hope. "Tell me what else hasn't changed."
"I still miss you all the time. Not just often. You'd think it'd get better, but it's honestly worse."
"I'm sorry I left. That night, in the hospital, I regret that so much."
"I wanted to see if I could finish it all off. I did. Every drop of alcohol we had." He's silent for a moment, remembering, and his face is made of cold iron. "I wanted it gone, but I wanted it. I probably don't make any sense. I never wanted you to see me like that. I hid it for a long time."
"I should have intervened so much sooner. You saw me sinking, drinking alone. You said it yourself. I knew you were slipping, and I didn't reach out."
"I didn't want to be reached. I drank when you were away, hid bottles in my dresser." He glances at it and pulls his blankets tighter.
"I should have been there for you."
"You were, Mitch. I wish I had just trusted you."
"Why now? Why do you believe me now when you didn't then?"
"I just do. I mean, Avi's been pestering about it for months, and Alex wrote me this long apology letter, but I never should have doubted you in the first place."
"He wrote to you? I didn't think he would. I suggested it, but he said you wouldn't want it."
"He mentioned that, and that Jake wanted him to send it too. It was, like, twenty pages. He said you said he should still send it because he owed it to me either way."
"You owe him an apology too." Scott receives the idea with a scowl. "One step at a time, though, I guess. Are you saying that all this time, all Alex had to do was write you a really long letter explaining everything? That if he'd just put in a little effort—"
"No. It wasn't the letter, not really. I mean, it helped, but he was kind of right about me not wanting it, and it wasn't enough."
"What did it say?"
"That he's sorry for lying, being inconsiderate, not talking to me about how he felt about you, dating you, not understanding, a lot of stuff. I don't think he missed anything, really. And he enclosed... Mitch, what's the matter?"
Dating me. Alex regrets dating me. I was a mistake. I was a bad decision. He shouldn't have. He regrets it. He wishes he hadn't. I never should have put him in the position I did. I made everything so complicated. He's sorry.
I'm not sorry. Even if he is... how could he? How could he change his mind so fast? Maybe he always thought I was a bad idea and he finally put an end to it. Maybe he feels differently now that it's over, now that he's out. He certainly changed his mind about Scott. For every ounce of love left lingering, he dug up a mountain of hate. I didn't think he would do that to me. I didn't think he was sorry he dated me. It was my idea, though, even if he's the one who asked me out. I was clearly just waiting for it. And it was his idea to end it. Even so... "I don't regret dating him." I won't say I regret it just to make this work, because if I have to lie, it's just not going to. "I'm sorry he hurt you, and I'm sorry I hurt you, but it doesn't mean I'm sorry I loved... love... I don't know. I'm just sorry."
"Whoa, Mitch, no. No no no no no. No one could regret loving you, not even... if it didn't work out. He's sorry it gave the wrong impression, that's all. He didn't apologize for loving you, and he never would. In fact, for all his humble apologies, he still had a lot of harsh words for me about the way I treated you... and the way it made you feel. I'm... I screwed up."
"I know. I know you don't want forgiveness, but just, please, it's not just for you... It's here for you. Think about it, please. I want you to have it."
"I don't deserve it."
"I never said you did. Don't let that stop you. I want this to work. I want to be friends. Do you?"
"Yeah. It's just... not that simple."
He wants more. I know he does. "Right now, Scott, I'm offering you my friendship. Nothing more, nothing less. Do you even want it?"
"I want you to be happy."
"Then say yes."
He nods and he swallows and he smiles, and he says, "Yes. I want to be friends." He looks away, pursing his lips. "I should go now. We'll talk again soon. Goodbye, my friend."
