is death an option? / larry ✅

Fin

The Part After All Of The Other Parts

Louis Tomlinson's funeral was something that he would have liked. Not too many people showed up, but not too little. It was held in the comfort of his home, and his mother wasn't drinking herself to death. I don't know if he decided to show up in ghost–form, or if that's even allowed. (But, I sure as hell hope so.)

His mother and my mother spent awhile speaking to each other, and my father waltzed around the room; eating the provided food and occasionally feeding a few of the unwanted scraps to Betsy, who sat upon his shoulder. Nearby is Zayn, who stares at my dad as he always does–disgusted and entirely confused, mumbling "What's wrong with white people?" underneath his breath. It's almost funny.

Kristen is there, but I don't speak to her. I don't speak to anyone, really. I just walk around the spacious house, checking out places that I've already seen that somehow look different now that it's filled with the bustling of other people's bodies. All I can think about is Louis. There's bits of Louis everywhere–in the scattered "Star Wars"–themed trinkets, in the brush that'd never made it out of the packaging. I pass by the urn that held his ashes more than once. I think I'm addicted to it.

At one point, Ms. Tomlinson (the first time I'm calling her this, I know) approaches me; handing me the same booklet that my mother had forced me to carry around, the same one that encouraged Louis to force me into applying at Ohio State. She smiles whenever she delivers it to me, telling me that I'll always be her "Modest Mouse". Then, she regrets quickly back inside of the house.

Looking at the book that still smells of Louis, I suddenly found myself yearning for a cigarette, even though I've never smoked in my entire life.

It's when I find myself sprawled out on Louis' unmade bed that I work up the nerve to open the card while the letter "L" bedazzled amongst the front. I choke on nothing upon seeing Louis' messy, completely wretched handwriting.

It said:

Dear Harry,

I heard what happened with your work, and with Ohio State. It's pretty shitty, I think. So, I wrote them a letter trying to convince them to let you back in. There's a copy in here if you want to read it. Hopefully it works, because that would mean that I have powers from beyond the grave. But, you should probably send them something, too.

Goodbye, Harry. You're a good friend. Although, if you don't go to college, you're also an idiot.

Love, Louis.

P.S. I want you to take my light–saber. Not the blue one, of course (that's my favorite) but red's got your name written on it.

P.P.S. Don't be dorky about it. Seriously. Just don't.

I had to hold back tears while reading, I'll admit it. If your friend just died, you'd be emotional, too. (Unless you're like Louis, who didn't quite care about anything.)

This is where I'm going to end my story. In conclusion, Louis' ashes were scattered into the wood–chips of a nearby park, because when he was younger, he'd escaped and tried to plant himself there in order to be reborn as a tree. I guess that's what Mr. Walsh meant by learning more about people, even when they're dead.

It's three days after Louis' funeral that I'm writing this. I'm clutching his light–saber, wondering if his mother had burned his own to be buried along with him, as he'd asked. I'll have to ask and get back to you on that one. The bruise is still on my nose, but my jaw is clear, and my lip is no longer busted.

And, no. Me and Kristen aren't dating. Keep your dick in your pants, OS.

Let me just say this in conclusion–Louis William Tomlinson, Columbia, Ohio's first tragedy of cancer, was one of the best people that I'll ever meet. There's so many adjectives that could be used to describe this boy, but I'll just use the one I called him the most; astounding. Mostly in a sarcastic way, but there was a bit of truth sprinkled into each time that I said it.

Sometimes, I find myself wishing that he didn't die. Actually, I wish that all the time. I still don't understand why he deserved to get his life snatched away from him like that, but I guess I'll never understand that, as it's not meant for human's simple minds to comprehend the meaning behind death and dying.

And, God, did I love that boy. I mean, not as much as I loved retro porn, or as much as he loved Darth Maul–but it was pretty goddamned close. There's no one else in this world that I'll find that'll be a fraction of an inch of how much of a wonderful person that he was. No one will ever amount to him.

So, that's it. No love story, and no tearjerker. He died, as I told you. This is really only to ensure that you all understand why I felt it was necessary to slack off on my schoolwork. A kind of community service, really. (But, if Louis was still alive, he'd be kicking me ass about saying this. If I turn up dead a week from now, you know who to blame.)

I know what I said earlier about the film's contents only being available for me, Zayn, and Louis, but I'll let ONE PERSON to view it, just so they get the gist of what I'm trying to say. (Just keep in mind that the last person who viewed this movie went into a coma, and DIED.)

Oh, and I'll include Louis' testimonial. I know you already received it, but this is just for emphasis.

James Nichols, Ohio State Department Head

My name is Louis Tomlinson, and I would like to apologize on the behalf of one of the applicants for your fine establishment–Harry Styles. The reasoning behind Harry's drastic drop in his academic grades is because he's been spending an unhealthy amount of time with me; a boy with gross, killer, flesh–eating intraocular cancer that's slowly eating away at the meat inside of my left eye, leaving me to go slowly blind until I die a terrible fate due to the cancer also affecting my bloodstream. Awful, I know.

Anyway, I just want to put out there that Harry is an amazing guy. He's very self–loathing, and probably won't say anything good about himself if you ask, but I'll tell you about him as he really is–an amazing, creative guy who give me nearly a year of his life when he didn't have to.

So, it's my fault that Harry stopped paying attention in all of his courses. That doesn't mean that you should stop him from going to school. You'd actually be missing out on an amazing student if you did.

Signed, Louis Tomlinson–a dying (dead) boy.