is death an option? / larry ✅

0.7

The Part Where This Story Actually Starts To Be About Cancer

It took more than a few chemotherapy sessions before Louis starting losing his hair. I, personally, think that he could have made it a few more months with the patchiness that started to grow throughout the mass of his thick, messy, tangled hair, but Louis being Louis who never quite listens to reason simply rolled his eyes at me whenever I'd suggested the idea and locked himself in the master bathroom of his house. I heard the buzzing noise of clippers momentarily afterwards.

I didn't see the actual result of his drastic actions until the next week. His mother had told mines that he'd been in bed for three days straight due to a sickness that kept him glued with his face in a bucket, or sleeping. I figured that one of me and Zayn's very first films together–The Okay Bats, Bye, which was basically an interpretation of The Great Gatsby, except it was a bat who was only okay in the opinions of all the people who knew him leaving New York to pursue a career in the music business–might have been something that he'd like to watch.

After all, he wouldn't shut up every single time that Zayn came around about getting together once again and watching another one of their films. It took a bit for me to swallow my pride, considering that I hadn't wanted him to see it in the first place, but, finally, I gathered my things and headed up the street.

This was the first day that I saw Louis Tomlinson cry. I mean, he wasn't the type of person who weeped about any and everything, considering the amount of times I've mentioned how emotionless he is in this, but I think that if I had been diagnosed with cancer at age 16, I'd be pretty fucking sad, too.

I had walked into his room, overwhelmed by the amount of Get Well cards, balloons, and flowers that had been delivered there. It was still messy, but it looked bit more tidy than I'd ever seen it to be before. There was a bowl of soup sitting on the table next to him, and a half–drunken glass of water.

I hadn't noticed that he was crying until I made the idiotic decision to comment upon his Dodgers hat; saying how they're an amazing team, even though I've never been into baseball, and I know Louis never has, either. That's when the tears began to roll down his cheeks, and he buried his face into the pillows beside him, making a small, painful noise as he did so.

He murmurs that he's ugly, and I remember telling him that he isn't as bad as he thinks; at least he didn't look like me. He told me that I didn't have to lie to him, that it's insulting to be lied to.

I've never been good with dealing with emotions, so I just hand him The Okay Bats, Bye and explain to him the plot. He stares at me like I'm an idiot, which is impressive, because he manages to look exactly like Zayn in that moment. Then, I tell him that I had to leave to help Zayn to shoot another film that we were doing that was based upon Jaws, but was actually about a dentist who accidentally breaks a patient's jaw.

He smiles. It's genuine. I leave.

Later on, while I'm being threatened by Zayn's older sister as we shoot Jaws in the midst of his backyard, Kristen's car pulls up. She screeches and squeals about being on set of one of our "iconic movies".

She approached me about making a film in Louis' honor. I recall wondering why, especially considering that he wasn't dead. But, she's hot, and I didn't want to say no. So, I said "Chill". Kristen squeals again, thanking me vehemently before returning to her 2001 Ford Taurus, and pulling off.

I didn't immediately start Louis' film–mostly because his chemotherapy treatments hadn't gotten to the absolute worst point, yet, and there was still a chance of his survival. And, also because I never ACTUALLY agree to making the movie.

All I said was "Chill", and that could have virtually meant anything.

But, that didn't mean that I couldn't let Louis continue to watch me and Zayn's works.