FEATURED SONG: SO GOODBYE BY JONGHYUN
I want to start all over again. And I’ll do it with you.
I touched the cold rock that used to keep my memories with Harry. If anything else, this spot has been present in everything that Harry and I shared. I look by the distant horizon, wondering, constantly wondering how things will be if I had been a different person.
What would it be like if Harry and I lived in a country far away where he and I can never part. I imagine the distant future that both of us might have, had it not we lived in a place where military service isn’t compulsory.
For the longest time that I’ve been alive it is only Harry whom I loved. Thinking that he will be my first and last. But I cannot do anything to stop things from happening, destiny has already meddled in and nothing will ever change that.
I felt the cold wind brush my face, cold as Harry’s invisible hand touching mine, distant as Harry’s memories.
“I’m moving to Seoul.” I whispered. “Can you imagine me moving out of my comfort zone Harry?” my voice broke. All this time I thought that this will be the place where I will grow old and die. I love Incheon, but it only holds the memories that will kill me slowly if I chose to stay.
“I thought I’d find you here.” Came a voice. Jonathan sat beside me, the place where Harry used to be.
“You found me.” I answered, I didn’t look at him. I just don’t want my guts flail when I see that ‘I-know-you-woo-well’ glance.
“Lorraine is looking everywhere for you, she said she needs to see you. So I offered to help her look for you. It seems really important.”
“Did she tell you what it’s about?”
“No. But she’s acting pretty strange.”
I breathed deeply and looked at him, his gaze directly at the beach ahead of us. It is now or never, I told myself.
“I’m moving to Seoul.”
He looked at me, his eyes filled with emotions I can’t really tell. His gaze then fell back to the beach, his lips forming a rather sad smile. One thing I learned to recognize the day Harry died, it is that smiles aren’t really happy ones. Sometimes it just shows how sad one can be.
“I’m going to start over and I’m going to forget him.” I took a deep breath, I know that any minute now tears will start falling down my face even if I tried so hard to be strong. “I’ve been living in Harry’s shadows for so long I forgot how it is to walk in the sun. you made me believe that I can be happy again.”
The wind blows bitterly making my fingers stiff in an agony of numbness. I reached out for his hand, he seemed surprise by my action but he still held it tightly against mine.
“I’d really like it…” I look at him and found my eyes staring at his. “I’d really like it if you will come to Seoul with me.”
For one moment there he seems lost in words. I felt my heart beating loudly in my chest as he search for the right words to say.
“How can I ever say no to you.” He then pulled me closer to him, hugging me tightly in his arms. I closed my eyes and tried my hardest to not think of Harry. But it is hard enough to do so.
Goodbye Harry. I hope you’re happy for me.
When we reach home I saw Lorraine sitting in our front porch her hair disheveled and she looks pre occupied.
“Lorraine?” she looked up and saw me, her eyes swollen from crying. “What happened?”
“He is not….” She rushed and stopped when her eyes landed on my hand intertwined with Jonathan’s. she gasped and looked at me again.
“I’m taking Jonathan with us.” she just stared at me, for the first time maybe after months of sulking it is my first time to smile at her genuinely.
“I… I need to see Stephan.” She rushed to the front gate and forgot what she was about to tell me.
“I thought you’re looking for me?” she just waved carelessly and hailed for a cab. Jonathan looked at me confused.
“I need to go home and explain things to my mom.” He said slowing letting go of my hand. “If this is a dream then I’d rather sleep for the rest of my life.”
I just smiled in return. When he left, I thought it would be nice to drop by Harry’s house for a visit since I will be leaving tomorrow. At least I need to say goodbye to his mom.
On the way there, everything guts that I muster on giving up vanished into thin dust. There’s a certain pain in my chest that’s been keeping me from saying goodbye. But there’s no point in backing out, I suffered enough. It’s time that I let go.
Moments later I find myself standing at the very door that used to comfort me when I was little. And then days passed it became the door that became a part of my hope, that one day, he will be there reading my letters. This time I came empty handed.
I knocked and a few moments later Harry’s mom opened the door. She was so surprised to see me that she pushed me forward and immediately closed the door behind her. I tried to peak inside because I thought I heard Lorraine and Stephan talking to someone in their kitchen.
“Summer! What brings you here.” She said wiping the sweat that slowly trickled down her forehead.
“Eomoni.” I said smiling at her, I tried to move forward but she just stood their not willing to move. The voices I heard awhile ago became distant whispers that is probably only playing in my head.
“Eomonni, I’m moving to Seoul.” I looked down and I felt her hand touch mine, “It’s just so hard living here. Everyday I am reminded of Harry and everyday, instead of moving forward I just stay put from where I stand hanging on to someone who will never ever come back.”
She then tugged the strands of hair falling down my eyes saying nothing. “I loved Harry. Up till now I still do, I love him more than anything, but it’s hard. It's hard that no matter how much I love him, I can never bring him back. Every morning I wake up in the realization that he's gone, I thought I can accept it. But everyday it gets harder and harder to let him go.” Tears started falling down my face and I can’t help but to hug her. “Please tell Harry that I’m really sorry I gave up on him that quick. I just can’t take the pain anymore.”
We just stood there, with our arms wrapped around each other, too afraid that if we see each other’s eyes we’ll just be broken even more.
And then it came,
Just as soft as I expected it to be,
as if he's talking just somewhere beside me.
I heard it crystal clear, I almost believed he somewhere near.
But I know better, dead people cannot talk.
But his words played nonstop in my head.
“Yeo Reum-ie, annyeong.” (Summer, goodbye)
