The twisted lies I tried to put her in seems a lot more complicated than planned. Now I pray that by the time I go back I am still the one who holds her heart.
“Ya!” Jonathan’s voice is trembling with rage. I can’t quite imagine how he looks right now. This is the first time that his voice falters with such rage that any minute he’ll probably just scream his way through this conversation. “YA! Ireona! Dangshin I jeonmallo jeugo sipeun geoya?! IREONA!!!” (Get up! Do you really want to die? Get up!)
I can almost see Jonathan’s pulse pulsating out of his neck. Probably the veins on his head already popped out and created a line in his handsome face. I saw him angry once though not this much, it was when a guy cheated on his sister. He looks at him as if he is determined not to leave the place unless he kills him. I know that look, and I know he is using it now. If only I can see it. If only I was strong enough to have his fist land on my face.
But he wouldn't do such thing. He is too kind for that.
“Summer is probably by the shore right now.” I started, I can hear him breathing loudly in the background but I won’t let him say anything again. “My mom probably already told them about what happened.”
“Why are you doing this to her?” he calmed down.
I don’t know what to tell him. The reasons why I’m doing this is becoming vaguer than I thought it was. At first I don’t want to burden Summer but now it changed, it was maybe because Summer is too alive, hearing her talk about the sun, the moon, that beautiful leaves that fall down the trees when it’s Autumn. While I’m just there staring blankly into nothingness, seeing nothing but darkness. Maybe I envy her, or maybe I’d rather die than be cripple and blind.
“Two days from now…”
“It’s her birthday, I know.” He interrupted. I know how much he likes her. I always notice him looking at her, watching her move probably thinking about the possibilities that might happen if only I wasn’t there.
There were times when I tried pushing him away because of that only to realize that I will be the one who will give up on her first. I hate that fact, but Summer would rather know I was dead than see me like this. It’s best that I’m dead.
“You can’t just lie to her. She’ll eventually know the truth.” But what if she don’t. Months can pass without her knowing, she’ll be able to cope up and live again after that. I know she would, Summer never passed up the idea of living. She should move on.
“She loves autumn.”
“I’m not doing this Harry. Be a man and tell her!” his voice raised again. It’s funny really and a little ironic, here iis Jonathan’s chance and he is blowing it up.
“I know you know how I feel about Summer. And I know what you’re thinking right now, but she loves you so much that even if you’re dead it will not make that big of a difference.” He stopped. I wish I can just see his reaction. See him clearly. See if he’s telling the truth. “We both know Summer. We both know who she loves since the first day she laid eyes on you. I hope you know that.”
“I love her too.” I was surprised with what I said. I have never admitted to anyone about my love for Summer. Clearly they must’ve seen it from my actions, but I’m not the type to tell anyone about my feelings for her.
“Then why are you doing this?”
“I don’t want to burden her.”
“Don’t you think that you being dead won’t kill her?”
“I don’t even know if I will recover. Please, I need you to take care of her. If I do then I'll come back for her.” I can almost here the desperation in my voice.
I heard him laugh after that, and I can imagine him smiling his lopsided smile. “So until you recover, you will use me as some kind of a distraction?” his voice filled with disbelief.
“It’s not that…”
“You come back for her until you recover? And while you are recovering you want me to fill up the space that used to be yours and when you’ve fully recovered you’ll come and take it back?” if anything else he sounds angrier now.
“Jonathan…”
“What if she falls in love with me by the time you come back?”
I didn’t answer.
“I saw her everyday from her window Harry. I saw her write you a letter everyday while you were at the camp. I experienced all the pain of having to have my hopes high whenever she agrees on spending some time with me only to cancel everytime you’re coming back. I love her too you know, much more than you think.”
“You’re nothing more than a friend.” I said icily.
“Your supposedly funeral is tomorrow right?”
“I’ll recover quickly.”
“I’d like to see you try. And when you come back she’ll be damned about why you lied. This schemes Harry, I don’t play them. If anything else, I hate everything about it. You doing this is absurd it is almost laughable. But I’d play it with you Harry.
Let’s see who owns her heart by then.”
