Letters to Edmund

LXIX

Dear Edmund:

Wth how much Michael likes to invade my personal space, you'd think he would be a bit more on the touchy-feely side. He isn't.

Strange, but true. He gets awkward when it comes to physical touch at times. And I'm grateful for that because he understands, that I get awkward too and stops when he needs to. He's incredibly perceptive like that.

I'm grateful for that too, because I think he knows, without me telling him, how far gone I am for you. And I think he supports it, he's a good friend like that.

I'm especially grateful for him today, when it's my birthday.

I know that you know it is Edmund. I've seen you looking at me all day, from the corner of your eye. With this look on your face like the one I had the first time you broke up with Natalie, when I didn't know what to say so instead I gave you a pat on the arm.

And I know what it means. Your staring. Because people have been giving me hugs all day, birthday hugs. And you have been there all the time. Inconveniently sitting a bit too far away.

I get it, I really do. It would be awkward to stand up and walk all the way to me just to give me a hug and wish me a happy birthday. And you can't decide if the awkwardness is worth it.

I've been meaning to talk to you, about anything, I admit it is so that you are not so inconveniently far away. To give you a chance to "remember" it's my birthday.

I only get to hug you twice a year Edmund. On your birthday and on mine.

And as shy as I may be, there is no way in hell I'll be missing that chance.

I think I asked you about homework -or something like that- when you were passing by my desk. The one at the very front, I hate my desk so much.

And you are not getting it. And okay, so maybe I was becoming anxious. Because maybe you did forget about my birthday. Or maybe you wouldn't see a chance at all and would leave. And the day would end and I wouldn't get my hug.

But then Michael came in, and gave me a not awkward at all pat on the shoulder as he passed (I don't know how he does it), wished me happy birthday and kept walking with that smooth swagger thing he has going on. Probably too cool for hugs.

But I didn't miss it, the way his smile was more like a smirk, the way he didn't wink but it felt like he did. And the way his eyes flicked from me to you a few times, eyebrows raised in my direction.

And then your eyes widened comically, you were never that good at acting. "Oh yeah!" You said in a realization kind of voice, and I smiled because it was fake. And I was right, and you had been thinking about it all day.

You hugged me, and I had been expecting it, but I really wasn't prepared for it.

For the warmth, the familiarity of your embrace, the way your arms wrapped a bit stronger around me just before letting go.

For the shit-eating grin Michael shot me from behind you.

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It's not really my birthday btw. I write this all the way back in November.