Dan's POV
I couldn't do this, I couldn't take it anymore. I felt tears form in my eyes and that's when I slammed the bowl down on the table. "Thanks for the pasta, Phil I feel a lot better now but I think I'm going to take a shower" I mumbled to him, I said it so quickly and mumbled so much not even I understood myself so there was no chance in Phil understanding. As I walked past Phil he pulled me into a light hug. Phil's warm embrace made me feel safe.
"I'm sorry, I'm just worried, I just don't want you leaving me" Phil said. It took me back. That stung. That really stung. I was worried that he was going to leave me but it turns out that he never wants me to leave.
"I'd never leave you" I say giving him a peck on the cheek before going down to the bathroom.
The pasta felt heavy in my stomach. Really heavy, I guess it's not used to food anymore. It hurt quite a lot, it felt like a bowling ball in my stomach trying to break through. There was only one way I knew how to get rid of this feeling. I turned on the shower to eliminate the sound of anything else. I sat down by the toilet, I've never done this before but it shouldn't be too hard. I had to get the food out of me, it's food that's making me weigh so much. I quickly shoved my fingers in my mouth then down the back of my throat until I found my gag reflex. I took my fingers out of my mouth and I finally gagged. The room spun around me, my stomach tensed and before I knew it I felt the acid feeling fly up my throat and letting myself vomit up the little food that was in my stomach. Even though it was horrible throwing up and my throats burned, after it I kind of felt better. I felt like I hadn't eaten anything because none of it was inside me anymore. I must admit it hurt. It really hurt. My throat felt like it was on fire by the fourth time I threw up but I had to make sure everything was out, I couldn't let a single crumb put anymore weight onto me. I also felt a sense of guilt, I could almost see the disappointment on Phil's face if he saw me throwing up, I love him too much to disappoint him. I knew I shouldn't have really been doing it but I just wanted to be thin. To actually feel my hipbones and my collarbones. To feel confident topless. To not sit down and feel fat everywhere. To not see my thighs wobble and touching each other. To need a smaller size in the store because something is actually too big for once. To look in the mirror and not be horrifically disgusted by what I see. To actually feel accepted by my friends, family and fans. Even though Phil said he wasn't going to leave me, he might. There's always the possibility that I get too fat and he just has enough of me. Anything could happen, Phil could leave me at anytime, there's always that possibility that's always in the back of my mind. My thoughts were ripping me apart physically and mentally and couldn't do this anymore. I let out a quiet scream and let my sobs rip me apart. My body was putting me though my own personal hell, why? What have I done to deserve this? I hate myself I just want to be thin, is that too much to ask?
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Just eat
Fanfiction***TRIGGER WARNING *** Dan Howell was never self conscious about his weight. That was until until people started pointing it out on social media. In an attempt to loose weight and please his fans Dan stops eating, what will happen to him? Will Dan H...
