What She Left

-entry 1

"To whomever reads,

Today my son, Michael, and his family took me to a beautiful zoo to celebrate my 75th birthday! I  must say, I had the most wonderful time there watching Marina and Michaela try to communicate with the animals, and for once not argue with one another and just have a good time. I wish so badly that I hadn't fallen and could have stayed longer. I also deeply wish that my family would stop blaming themselves for my faulters. I'm not perfect and I'm an old lady (sadly). I feel that getting out and doing things will help my brain stay fit. Just being at the zoo helped me think of some new ideas for a story, about zoo creatures and something Marina and I could probably spend days writing about. I've seen the outcome of those who don't keep their brain's in shape like me, and I don't ever want to see it again. Those people turned into abandoned ships left in the ocean to rot then one day when they washed ashore, everything is already too damaged to repair. What a shame.

April 2nd. -present time

Love, Wren Jennings."

____________

Marina

     Everyone in East Glendale didn't just know my grandmother, they loved her. In the past few days, I have counted forty people who have come up to me to say how sorry they were for my loss and then share a story about a memory they had together. I liked listening to the stories because they took my mind off the terrible things that had happened to the woman who used to be Wren Jennings. The things that she'd said that I knew weren't true, but still, hurt me like a punch in the gut.

     I still remember when she took me and my sister to the pool, she told us that we were to make friends because the stars represent the Earth in every situation with people. When two people alike find their similarities and find a way to become the best of friends a constellation is formed, and the biggest, brightest, and most beautiful ones are what stand out and make this world of ours unique. That was me and my grandmother. Together we made each other better, she was my one and only best friend. Although I had friends at school that I felt connected with, they never once asked me about my feelings or reminded me what mattered in the world, education. All my friends cared about, and still do, is guys and how many they can get, but it doesn't matter does it? 

     My grandmother always reminded me that my education came before everything because it was going to carry me to very high places and that she was an English college professor so she knew what she was talking about.

     I would do anything to go back to one of those days so I could just hear her voice again and listen to her read the aesthetically pleasing poetry that she busily wrote when there was nothing else to do. I wish dementia, Alzheimer's disease, and all mental illnesses didn't exist. It would make the world so much better for so many people and save millions of lives, but even I know that's just wishful thinking. 

     A memory surged back into mind from many months ago when I visited my grandmother in the hospital. She didn't know me of course but she was trying hard to figure it out I could tell. She kept asking me where Mick was over and over. I tried to tell her that he passed away over 40 years ago but she wouldn't listen, she just couldn't remember she had asked the question in the first place. My many visits after that consisted of no recognition and lots of yelling for me to get out because I was an unknown person to her and she didn't want anything to do with me. It made me so sad because it was worst then losing her. Physically I knew she was tied down on Earth, but mentally who knew where she was. She was in her own world not knowing what she had lost. 

     Through all my visits she continued to ask for my grandfather, I hope she's happy now because she's right up in heaven with him. 

     I shook the thoughts from my head and frowned trying to hold back the faucet that was already threatening to pour from my eyes and find the courage to move my feet toward by grandmothers grave. After what seemed like an eternity, I lifted my heavy feet off the ground and moved them in the direction of the two graves of both of my grandparents marked "Wren Jennings: Loving Mother, Grandmother, and Wife. 1941-2016" and Mick Astren: Loving Father, Grandfather, and Husband. 1938-1966"

     I took a deep breath and then opened my mouth to speak. "Hi grandma, I, uh, just wanted to come and talk to you for a bit." My voice started the crack. This was already too hard for me. My voice shook as I spoke again. "I really wish you could have been at the State Violin Competition," I sniffled trying to hold back my tears the best I could. "because I know you would have smiled when you saw me qualify for regionals." I paused letting the silence of the graveyard swallow me. "I'm going to California for regionals this weekend and just wanted to stop in to tell you. You know I don't like to chit ch-" Would she know? Would she know who I was at all? Would she remember anything when she died?

     I took in multiple deep breaths trying to keep myself in one piece to say the next sentence. "I'm sorry I yelled at you when you didn't know who I was...." I paused not even caring anymore and letting the tears flow down my cheeks. "I just want you to know that I love you, and that will never change. You need to know that even if you don't remember me, I will always remember you." I stood there for a few more minutes looking at her grave, wishing she could actually hear the words I was saying. I didn't know what else I was supposed to do or say so I walked back to my car. And as I was walking, I could have sworn I heard my grandmother's voice say, "I love you too, Marina."