Mum,
I'm scared
It's like I'm stuck in this dark place inside my mind
Mum I can't get out
And if I scream things shout back at me
It's awful
Make them stop
Mum
Sometimes I feel like I don't care anymore
I don't even want to be alive
Breathing seems pointless
My heart beating gives me anxiety
How can I stand that sound? Make it stop
Make it better
Make it sound good
I was 10
You were crying in the bed next to me
And I was so scared of crying too
I think that's when I learn to bottle up
But now I'm broken
And you can't put anything in a broken bottle
You never told me that sometimes you can wish you were dead
You never explained what constant sadness was
You never checked on me at 4am in the morning
I had a knife in my tiny dirty hands
I thought about it for at least ten minutes
I put that back
I was 9
Mum
I don't want you to fix me
Because I think nobody can do that right now
I don't want you to cry
Because I know it's not your fault, you did your best
I don't want you to say you understand
Because I don't want you to understand this
My eyes are silent
I can hear my soul scream
My chest is a black room
I want this to stop
I can't feel myself as real, Mum
Sometimes I can't feel my body
I got stuck in my head
I don't know how to get out
Mum please
Stop pretending you don't see
Open your eyes and look at me
I'm a corpse that's wandering in this big house
The ghost of an happy little girl
With long hair and so much hopes
I guess I disappointed her too
Mum please
See me, grab my hand
I don't know if I'm still alive
I don't think I care about it
It's not your fault mum
It's not your fault
You tried your best
But I guess my best just isn't enough
