TITS ON A PLANE

II.

"Thank you, ma'am," she said to Mrs. Scope. "At least she tips," she thought.

"Have you ever wanted to join the mile-high club?" the jock put his hand on the cheerleaders leg and leaned in conspiratorially.

"Aren't we much higher than a mile?" she replied. "Like, seven miles or so?"

"C'mon, baby. Let's sneak into the bathroom."

"I don't have to go," said the redhead.

Rickchad had brought a blanket and he pulled it over the both of them.

"Don't you know what the mile-high club is, Bicky?"

"I know what it is! But I don't usually like having sex in bathrooms."

Rickchad smirked. "Well, we could try it like here, but I think everyone's probably still too awake, you know, baby."

Across the aisle, John and Martha had both just taken their sleeping pills.

Martha cuddled in closer to her new husband. "Whoa, I'm feeling drowsy already. I can't wait to wake up back in Sydney and settle into our new home."

John kissed her forehead. "Yes, my love," he slurred. He started to dream about starting a family with her in that new home and eventually having grandchildren to spoil. Still, there was an errant part of him that wanted to take a gander at the cheerleader across the way. He squinted over. But her body was covered up by a blanket with the guy next to her, and there were some suspicious vibrations going on underneath that blanket.

Bicky said under her breath, "That feels good, Rickchad. Not here!"

"The only other place is the... you know where, Bicky!"

The jock's hand was slithering up into the cheerleader's leotard, and he found her chest and started stroking her nipples.

"Careful, Rickchad, they're sensitive!" she complained.

"Why so sensitive?"

"I don't know. Hormones, you know, they change sizes over the course of the month."

"They feel big today, baby."

She put her hand on where his hand was and squeezed it affectionately. "Yeah, they do. Be careful."

Martha's eyes were closed. Her husband whispered, "Those kids across the way are up to no good beneath that blanket. Remember that time we took a bus trip to New South Wales and got a little frisky in the back row?"

"Mm, hmtumpf," she turned her body over onto John's side and a little drool came out of her mouth. The pills were having a faster effect on her than on him.

Rickchad leaned over further and started kissing up Bicky's neck to her ear.

"You're bad," she moaned as his hand kept exploring her body under the blanket. "People will notice."

"Then let's sneak into the bathroom, baby, c'mon."

"Okay," she relented.

"You go first and I'll meet you in a moment."

She got up nonchalantly and a minute later Rickchad made the same trip down the aisle to the restrooms at the rear of the plane.

John nudged his wife. "They went to the bathroom at the same time!" She emitted a small snore.

The flight attendant Philip passed their row to take drink orders and saw the empty seats. He went up to the service area and told Janine, "I think we've got some Mile Highers in the Economy Class bathrooms. From Row 36."

Janine replied, "Those football kids? Figures."

"I'll trade. If you clean the bathroom, I'll deal with your difficult lady in 2B."

"Hell, no!" chortled Janine. "She's already on her second drink and she tips. But I'll let the Captain know."

Janine entered the cockpit again. "We've already got Mile Highers in Economy."

Captain Reynolds snarled, "It's going to be a long flight."

"That reminds me," said her copilot. "You were going to tell me about that doctor you went to, Finna. So it had nothing to do with your breast cancer?"

"Well, it did... in a way," said the Captain.

"Oh no!" said Janine. "Did you have a relapse?"

"No, no. Nothing like that. As you both know, I underwent a double mastectomy a few years ago, and I've been thankfully cancer-free ever since. That doctor I went to was a Witch Doctor."

Tim and Janine gasped.

The tall copilot collected himself and then chuckled. "You, Captain Finna Reynolds, with a degree in biology and the top graduate at flight school, went to a quack Witch Doctor! Go on."

The Captain looked deadly serious. "You mock, but this was a genuinely weird experience. So, on holiday, I went to visit my sister in rural Kansas. Her husband is a bit eccentric and he took me aside and asked me if I ever missed having breasts. I admitted that the mastectomy had been hard on me, but there was nothing I could do, right? He told me he had heard of a shaman-of-sorts operating out of Wichita, and he had a friend-of-a-friend who'd been this guy's patient and she had successfully regrown a pair of breasts that had been shot off in a freak crossbow accident. He gave me the address, and, and, that Sunday when my sister and her husband were at church, I drove into Wichita on a whim and called upon this so-called shaman."

"A Wichita Witch Doctor?" asked Janine.

"Exactly. He operated out of the back of an old record shop. He looked like an old hippie of ambiguous ethnicity, with dreadlocks down to his ankles. The whole thing set off alarm bells in my brain, but he greeted me kindly and he knew immediately why I had come. 'You seek new bosoms,' he said in a thick and mysterious accent.

"'Perhaps,' I replied hesitantly. 'What is your fee?'

"'You shall have more bosoms than you can possibly cope with, and the fee shall be your death!' And he took a drag from his hookah and laughed maniacally."

Tim said, "Finna, what a joke! You should have gotten the hell out of there. What a fraud!"

"Right? Well, I did. But first I made the mistake of insulting him, telling him his whole shtick was ridiculous and that she shouldn't prey on desperate women who just want to fit in with societal norms. He didn't take that very well, and all of a sudden, the lights dimmed, and his eyes rolled back, and that's when he sang that song."

"What song?" asked the flight attendant.

"That stupid song I haven't been able to get out of my head. I've been humming it this whole flight."

Tim sang, "Bum, bum, ba-dum, ba-dum. Yeah, now it's in my head too. What are the lyrics?"

"Okay, here goes, I think it went like this:

"When you're kilometers above the waters

"The mama's teats will replace the daughter's.

"Tell all the men, if they're reckless

"To give those mamas a pearl necklace."   

Captain Reynolds grabbed the wheel as the plane hit some unexpected turbulence.