The Calm Before The Storm

Walking On Eggshells

Please note that this has a certain connection to the last two chapters.

Anyways I entered into a state of depression a few months later in February of 2014. Long story short, everything was going downhill for me. I was so tired of walking on eggshells, I began to grow distant with all the people around me. I made an exception for that girl, of course.

That year was an eye-opening one, that's for sure. It actually wasn't her who made me push my closest ones away, I actually chose to do that. How stupid was I? I know right.

At the time, everything was so good to be true. I met a few other friends through this girl, I'm still friends with some of them even though we don't meet that often anymore.

I remember the screenshots we used to send to one another which are now no longer accessible since I accidentally or should I say purposely obliterated the whole message log. Had I kept the message log, I would have not been able to even get to where I am now.

Hell, I even deleted her digits. What else is there to say? Nothing.

The subjects varied from boys to personal stuff. Sometimes we would rant about our mentors or we would just fool around. But sometimes I could tell that she seemed disinterested, like I was talking to myself. Sometimes she would take long to reply or she would not talk to me at all. I would keep checking the chat log obsessively but nothing at all.

It's true that we talked a lot at school and that we were pretty much always together but even a single world as a reply would have sufficed.

I would be worrying that something might have happened to her while she's too busy to even answer. I tried my best not to take it personally but my heart was an utter mess.

What really used to get to me the most was that sometimes she would make me feel loved and then she would just leave me hanging.

I hated the fact that she pretend that she could come, leave and then come back again. It doesn't work that way, either you come or you leave. I didn't force her to befriend me, she could have left straight away but not come back afterwards as if nothing had ever happened.

Experiencing such feelings was quite new to me. I had never felt this way towards anyone, not even towards my other best friend whom I had known for six ruddy years at the time.

I don't know what I even saw in her. Was it her charisma? Was it her attributes? Was it a talent of hers? I don't have the answer to that question but I liked her a great deal.

The worst was that I could not express my feelings, I had to suffer in silence. I told her everything about me, even my deepest and darkest secrets. However I could not bring myself to tell her how I felt, I feared that she was never going to look at me the same again. I felt compelled to keep my mouth shut and the compulsion is inexplicable. I don't know why I chose to do so but I beat myself up for it from time to time.

I hated how weak and stupid I was, I could have stood up for myself and none of this would have happened but it's all in the past now and I at least made it through in the end.

I kept walking on eggshells around for another few months. They were not just "another few months" to me, they seemed more like an eternity.