My Horrible Ex-Husband

Chapter Eighteen: A Most Horrible Ending

“Let’s do something crazy,” Eli said out of the blue. I turned around, staring at him, with a questioningly look on my face.

“Like what?” I asked smiling at him. “Rob a bank? Do a Bonnie and Clyde type thing?”

“No! No! Nothing that crazy,” Eli scoffed. “I’m not having a midlife crisis, Caleb. I’m talking about this.”

My eyes opened wide as I glanced at Ziploc bag in Eli’s hand. Was he serious? Was he thinking about what I think he was thinking about?

“Is that pot?” I asked raising an eyebrow at him. Eli nodded.

“Yeah it is,” Eli nodded. “Let’s smoke it.”

“Are you serious right now, Eli?” I huffed. “Are you out of your fucking mind? We can’t smoke pot. We’re old. We have kids. We’re not in college anymore. We can’t just smoke pot. What type of example are we setting for our children?”

“You’re completely right,” Eli nodded, sliding the bag back into his pocket. “We’re adults. What was I thinking?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. Eli couldn’t possibly be folding this easily to the idea. I mean he gone out of his way to buy it and now’s he just going to give in. He was trying to do that reverse psychology thing to me again. I know he is. But I wasn’t going to be fooled this time. Nope. I’m way smarter than that.

I watched as he walked away from me.

“Where are you going?” I called out to him.

“Out on the back porch,” he replied. He was going to smoke it anyways?

Wasn’t he? The buffoon. Did he think I was born yesterday?

I moved out towards the back porch and glanced out the door at him. He was really going to smoke pot out on our back porch without me. I mean – Well, when I specifically told him not to.

“You bastard,” I said in shock. “You just said you wouldn’t.”

“I was being sarcastic,” Eli replied as he opened the bag up. “I paid for it. I’m not just going to let it go to waste. You can join or you can be look out – you know just in case Michael or Michelle come home.”

“Eli don’t you dare smoke that,” I huffed. “Eli! I swear to god. If you smoke that, I’ll hold out on you for a month.”

“Eh – It’ll be worth it,” he shrugged. I shook my head, slamming the back porch door shut behind me. I snatched the bag from his hand and shoved it into my pocket. Eli sucked his teeth like a child at me.

“Are you out of your mind, Eli? What’s going on with you? I mean - are you having a midlife crisis?” I asked sitting beside him on the porch swing.

“Maybe,” he mumbled, his eyes flickering onto mine. “I’m getting old, Caleb.”

“And so am I,” I chuckled. “We can be old together.”

“I’m serious Caleb,” Eli retorted. “I found a gray hair on my head today.”

“Did you pluck it?” I winked.

“Of course I did! Stop laughing at me, Caleb! It’s just – I – I don’t know,” Eli continued. “I wish I could go back in time and do all of the things I’ve never done.”

“You still have time, Eli,” I huffed. “You and I are barely forty. Come on. Lay it on me. What do you want to go back in time and do?”

“I’d be a better husband to you and a better father to Michelle and Michael,” he sighed. “I’d work less hours. I’d take more vacations. I’d tell you that I love you every day.”