Run Away

Ch 14

Bucky had another nightmare again. The replay of the people he had killed was unstoppable. He usually couldn't sleep well but that night he felt more guilt than ever. He started thinking what to do, what he wanted to do. He felt like the only way to make justice was to take his own life, but then again that was too easy, part of him felt like he needed to suffer to redeem himself. When Mikeyla woke up, he was already in the kitchen making breakfast for her

"Morning, Buck" she greeted

"Morning, Micky" he greeted back. Mikeyla froze in his spot

"Micky?" she asked. Bucky also froze thinking it was a mistake to call her a nickname

"Sorry, it just slipped out, I didn't think-"

"No, it's fine" she said "Only my family calls me that, it just surprised me" she said smiling while setting the table so they could have breakfast together

"I can call you something else if you want" Bucky said while putting the eggs in two plates

"No, it's fine. I like you calling me that" she said with a smile

They both sat down and ate together. Bucky didn't say anything about his night, he didn't want to burden her more than he already did. When Mikeyla was away in school, he resumed his depressed state. He went to his room and grabbed his backpack that had his gun, notebook and uniform and went out a window. He walked for hours, not knowing nor caring where he was going. He arrived to the side of the Hudson River and sat down. He thought and thought, all the lives he had taken haunted him

"Please, I have children"

"Have mercy, please"

"Don't kill me"

"Why?"

Tears came out from Bucky's eyes as he remembered the pleads of his targets. He then started remembering about his other life, his life before the Winter Soldier

"Sometimes I think you like getting punched"

"I had him on the ropes"

"Don't do anything stupid until I get back"

"How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you"

"You're a punk"

"Jerk"

He smiled a little. He was happy back then. Life might have been hard, he remembered going through the Great Depression in the '29 and sharing his food with his three siblings, he also made sure to always help Steve. He went to art school, he wanted to become an artist. The war changed his life, the army life was hard but he felt proud of fighting for his country, specially when he was able to fight alongside Steve without having to worry about his asthma. He was a flirt too, he remembered that, a different girl to dance with everytine he went out. He even tried to set Steve up with girls

But Hydra ruined it all. He should have died when he fell off the train. A lot of lives would have been spared if he had. After sitting there for hours he walked towards a bridge, he stood in the edge and looked down, he pulled out his gun and stared at it, he pulled out the security switch and aimed it at his own head closing his eyes tight. He wanted to pull the trigger. No one would miss him, Hydra wouldn't be able to catch him again, he would be free.

But Mikeyla... Mikeyla doesn't care about me. Then why did she go out of her way to help me? She's too nice, she pitied me. But she has let me stay with her for so long, she's always so caring. She's just a girl, she'll get over it. She promised to help me, and she had kept her promise... she makes me happy. I can't make her happy, I'm a monster, why woud an angel like her care about a monster? She doesn't seem to care, she trust me, she opened up to me. I can't do this to her, not to her.

With that last though, he pulled away the gun and put it back in his backpack. He couldn't do it, not to her. He then walked back to the apartment. He had to climb through the window to get inside. Mikeyla had already arrived from school, she was pacing in the living room nibbling her thumb nail. When she heard the sound she turned to Bucky. He noticed her eyes were a little bit red and frowned in confussion. Mikeyla gave a sigh of relief when she saw him.

"Bucky" she called in a low voice. Before Bucky could react, Mikeyla had ran towards him and hugged him around the torso. He froze and his eyes widened in shock. His first reaction would have been to pull away, but he slowly put his human arm around her. He then slowly pulled her away grabbing her upper arms lightly and looked at her face, a couple of tears were sliding down her cheek

"What's wrong?" He asked worried and cofussed

"You weren't here, a-and your backpack was gone too, and you didn't come back for hours. I thought you weren't coming back, or maybe something had happened to you, or you had gotten hurt. But you came back and you're alright" she explained and ended her ranting with a small smile "I overreacted, I'm sorry. I'm just so relieved you're alright"

She hugged him again and Bucky did his best to try to hug back. It was the closest they had been not counting the time they danced. Bucky pulled her away again

"Why do you care about me?" He spoke his confussement

"Why wouldn't I? You're my friend" she said with a frown of confussion

"I've killed so many people. I'm not a good guy. I-I... They turned me into this" Bucky glared at his metal arm "I'm a monster" Mikeyla reached an put her hand in his cheek, Bucky leaned at her touch unconsciously

"In the last years of my life, I've learnt something very important that I'm going to share with you right now" she grabbed both his hands and looked into his eyes "Not all monsters do monstrous things" she gave him a little smile "You didn't choose to be like this, it's not your fault, you don't deserve to be treated like a puppet. They are the evil monsters, not you. You can't change what they did to you but that doesn't mean you have to be who they want you to be. You can choose to change, be whoever you want to be"

"I don't know who I am anymore" Bucky said, his voice barely above a whisper

"You're Bucky. You're my roomate and my friend, we can start with that" she said "and the metal arm is but a tool to help you, don't look at it like it's a curse" she said

"It's a weapon" he said grudgingly

"It's a tool, you choose how to use it" she corrected

"How can you do that? Be that nice and optimistic"

"My life was never full of flowers and rainbows, you learn to make the best of the little things, it keeps you away from depression"

"Being too optimistic might kill you" he said

"Nah, dissapoint maybe, but it's better to have hope than to live sour" Mikeyla said. Bucky didn't answer after that, he didn't know how to respond to that without arguing and he didn't want to argue. He changed the topic instead

"I'm sorry I worried you" he said

"It's not your fault. I overreacted" she said "I actually have something for you" she turned around and walked towards the table outside the kitchen. She picked up a metal ring and handed it to him. He watched it, the metal ring had a key and a kind of locket, he opened it to find a pocket watch "Your own key of the apartment, now you won't have to be stuck here while I'm gone"

"My own key?" He asked

"Yeah. Sorry it took so long, I had to ask Mr. Hummel for it and he kept forgetting" Mr. Hummel was the owner of the building and he had the record of everyone that lived in it and how many keys he gave

"It's alright" he said, Mikeyla smiled

"Now how about a movie? I brought the Lord of the Rings"