Two Faces, by Cassandra Brubaker

  If I told you I’m awkward and shy the people here at this school would laugh at such a claim… they treat me like center stage, open for use. “Hey Janie baby, can you come for a ride later?” The boy passing me in the hallway winks while his friends chorus with laughter. My face flushes two shades to purple, pulling my books closer, as I push my glasses back up the bridge of my nose. It’s only year ten, and people I don’t even know think of me as Bridgmont High’s class whore.

  I drop off my books into my locker. I can hear the snorts and giggles of the girls around my locker. One of them bumps into me, literally pushing my shoulder against the locker beside mine.

  “Oh sorry, whore.” Everyone bursts into laughter. I feel my face flush again.

‘Don’t let it get to you Janie, they don’t know a thing about you.’ Mom would always say. Thinking of mom makes my heart hurt and my head ache. I miss her. Dad hasn’t been the same since she died.

  I throw my backpack across my shoulder, my shaking hands pushing my glasses up once again. I stare down at my feet watching them as I walk out the school doors. I could describe myself in plenty of ways, creative, patient, mature, introverted, and ever shy or maybe even slightly awkward and nerdy. I even do well in all my classes. Yet because of him, I’m defined as… this! My vision blurs, my nose begins to sting. This is not who I am, but no body gets it.

  Four months ago, it was a regular humid evening in summer. Just like any sixteen year old girl; I had a crush. His name is Tanner, tall, football’s star quarterback, with one heck of a smile. I surely never expected my crush to grow to be more than just a regular crush. He’d been texting me recently, and tonight, he asked me to meet him at the park close by my house. Why not?

 I remember the way he hugged me, the way he talked so joyfully. I remember the way he whispered in my ear when he told me he liked me. I remember the feeling of my heart beating erratically, the speed of humming birds wings. I remember the way I could feel the adrenaline racing through my body when his face moved to meet mine. Just the slightest of butterfly touch against my lips. He called me beautiful, even tried to make me stay later. Nevertheless I really didn’t want to be caught on the best night of my life.

  “Janie, don’t go.” Tanner said “Stay a bit longer?” He brushed his hand through the length of my blonde hair, making my breath catch in my throat.

  “Oh Jane…”  His lips pressed against mine again. I pressed the palm of my hand against his chest, feelin the fast paced heart through his shirt. Pushing him away. I wanted this night to last forever, but I fled. I was scared of myself, how I was beginning to feel.

  For weeks Tanner would text me, sometimes I’d reply, and others I just couldn’t bring myself to send anything back to him. I was worried, scared, anxious, I was nervous. I didn’t know the proper way to respond. It’s not exactly like I could talk to dad about all of this. That’s asking for a bird and the bee’s conversation right there. Awkward.

  It was August seventeenth I had been outside playing with my dogs, when Tanner had called.

  “Jane, wait. Please don’t hang up.” He stammered through the phone.

  “Tanner… I’m just scared, or… or… nervous or something.”

  “Janie, where do you live?”

  “Why do you ask?” I let acid seep into my voice. I should be defending myself shouldn’t I? Who knows what his intentions are? although my heart yearns to be held. I want to just let myself fold in half, I don't want to think, I don’t want to be cautious.

  “Please Jane. Let me take you out tonight. Yeah? What do you think?” Even his voice sounded desperate. My mind was popping up and flashing warning signs at me. Warning signs or nervousness, I couldn’t say. I rattled out my house address, dashing through the house to get ready. Putting on my regular mascara, some cover-up, combing my hair, I stop. Staring at my reflection, I’m taken aback; my blue eyes looking wide and sad, my cheeks looking more defined, my hair shining, straight and long. I look much older.