letters |s.m.|

|stasi|1

=flashback=

"I'm sorry Mrs. Johnson, but Staci has been diagnosed with Stage One Lung Cancer." the doctor spoke to my mom and she fell nearly into a pool of tears. I don't know why, we all knew this is what he would say.

"Mom, let the doctor talk." I said, rolling my eyes at her mournfulness. It's not like I'm dead yet, and who knows, I may not even die. 

"Thank you Staci," my doctor smiled, "now, as I said, this is Stage One. Stage on lung, pancreatic, colon, breast and prosate cancer are all cureable. If we start with the chemotherepy right away and surgery, she should be in remission in no time." she finished and my mom just smiled.

=end of flashback=

Yes, now I must admit, that day was hard. All I really heard out of all of that though was cureable, my mom on the other hand only heard the C word, cancer. Now we're two weeks after the diagnosis, and I am going in for my very first chemotherapy treatment. I am not one that loves to get needles shoved into my skin, so I am particularly unhappy about this trip to the hospital that we're taking. 

"Staci, please get yourself out of bed. We don't have all day!" my mom said, even though she well knows that if I want to take all day, she won't mind and she'll go by what ever I say, that is one up of what I am going through. I am on oxygen right now, but only when I am moving around, like when I am sleeping or out in public or even when I know I'm going to be moving around my house a lot. When I am just sitting in my living room, I don't use it, I guess it just makes me feel worse about myself than I did before the diagnosis, and I didn't even think that was possible. 

Dragging myself out of bed, I unplug my phone from the charger and put it onto the dock where I put on my angel sent from heaven itself. Skate Maloley. The first song that comes on is Maloski. Jamming out, I went to my closet to see what outfit I would put on today. I have been working since the day I turned 16, and ever since, with every paycheck I buy a new outfit. Now that may seem a really bad idea, or something stupid to do, but when I was younger, we didn't have a lot of money and even getting a new t-shirt from Target was a luxury, so I really took advantage of having money of my own. I finished picking my outfit and finally got dressed, straightening my hair and putting on my make up right away when I was done. 

"Anastasia Penelope Liakos , let's go!" my mom screamed to me from down the stairs. This morning is rough for her, I mean, she's driving her 18 year old daughter to her first chemotherapy treatment. 

I got down stairs and she had a cup of tea all ready for me. I thanked her and we were out the door. One the way, I obviously had control over the radio because my mom could care less about what music we were listening too. I turned on Troye Sivan's Blue Neighbourhood album, because I'm obsessed with it, and we listened to Troye sing his little heart out the whole way to the hospital. 

"Hi, we're here for a chemotherapy appointment with Dr. Rollins, it's for Anastasia Liakos." my mom said to the receptionist. She probably didn't need to know what I was there for, but my mom is telling everyone these days, hell, she even told the lady at the grocery store. 

We waited and waited, about 25 minutes went by as we waited for the doctor to come out for us. I was mostly on Wish the whole time, voting on stupid things like who's a better character from Girl Meets World, Farkle or Lucas. Not that you care, but I picked Farkle. Highly intelegent, but sweet. 

"Anastasia." a nurse came out into the waiting room and called, shakey, I stood up and followed her.

She handed me a booklet that explained what I was in for, and told me that the doctor would be in to administer the shot soon. I skipped over everything and went straight to the section that said side effects.

CHEMOTHERAPY SIDE EFFECTS:
-Fatigue
-Pain
-Mouth and throat sores
-Diarrhea
-Nausea and vomiting
-Constipation
-Blood disorders
-Nervous system effects
-Changes in thinking and memory
-Sexual and reproductive issues
-Appetite loss
-Hair loss
-Other long term side effects

I finished reading and was nevous beyond any words could describe. I could under go many side effects here, but if I could get better after this and never have to go through what my lungs are going through right now, then it's all worth it. I closed the booklet and was standing to put it back right when the doctor came into the office. 

"Hi Anastasia, I'm Dr. Rollins!" the nice looking doctor said.

"Hi, you can call me Stasi by the way." I said, shooting her a kind smile.

"Sounds great. Now, before I inject you with anything, do you have any questions or concerns, please please please, I urge you to please speak up and ask if you do." she said.

"Yes, I do actaully. All of those side effects that are listed in that booklet... How many of those do you think I will under go?" I asked, knowing that there was an unintentional look of concern on my face.

"Well, considering that you are young, and other than this a perfectly healthy 19 year old girl, I say that you will probably only face smaller things like appetite loss and nausea, but I can put you on medication for the nausea." she said and I felt very reassured. 

"Alright, thank you so much!" I said, smiling, as I saw her prepping the injection. 

"Alright," she sat next to me, "lay your arm out, and do not by any means flex or you will end up with a horrible bruise. Just lay your arm out." she said and tied a rubber band onto it, she also gave me a stress ball to hold. 

"3, 2, 1." right when she said one, I gripped onto the stress ball so hard. Luckily, I barely felt the injection, but the needle still hurt enough to allow a few tears to shed.

"You really are strong Stasi." she said to me, and I just send a weak smile back. 

Once the treatment was done, my mom made the appointment for my next and we left the doctors office. The ride home was quiet and for the most part extreamly boring. Finally, after 30 minutes we arived at home. 

"I'll be in my room, call me when dinner is ready." I say to my mom right when she unlocks the door.

"Alright honey." she says and I grab my oxygen tank and head up the stairs.

When I got into my room, I sat down at my desk, laptop and started on my 15th letter to Skate Maloley. The letters started the day of the diagnosis. I send them to him on Twitter and Instagram everyday, and he has never yet opened or responded to any of them, but that's ok. I don't expect him to answer, I just need to send them to someone or else my head will almost positivly explode. Well, time to write my next desperate plead for help and love.