moods / phan

chapter seven

"Th-thanks Phil," Dan says with a small smile.

"You're welcome Dan." Phil says with a bright smile, the sun above his head blazing even brighter than the real sun in the sky, "I'm here for you, you know that right?"

"O-of c-course," Dan replies, but Phil can't be there for him.

With each step further in the marathon of life, Dan is falling further and further behind everyone else. And if the time comes for Dan to drop out of the race, if Phil's ahead with everyone else already, it won't affect him as much as it would if he was back with Dan, watching him falter slightly more with each agonising breath.

Long story short, Phil can't be there for Dan, because Dan may not always be there for Phil.

***

In class, Dan can't concentrate on anything.

His mind is too focused on the concept of life in general. He's slowly slipping into another existential crisis, which is making him feel every gloomier - if that's humanly possible.

Dan can't seem to wrap his brain around everything. Everyone is just made of atoms. Every life is was and is entirely created by chance. Nothing was put here for a real reason, everything is there simply to die, to pass on its potential energy to something else. Energy never dies, but if everything has an end, what happens when energy dies, when time runs out, when everyone just simply becomes nothing and there's nothing left to miss what there once was?

"Are you okay Dan?" Phil asks in a whisper, poking his finger into Dan's arm.

"Stop a-asking m-me if I'm o-okay," Dan retorts, "it doesn't m-matter, nothing d-does."

"Yes it does! It matters to me," Phil says.

"But w-what about w-when it d-doesn't matter t-to you anymore Ph-Phil? What h-happens when th-there's no one l-left to care, w-when all my struggling b-becomes in vain a-and all for n-nothing?" Dan asks.

"I think that you're thinking too deeply about this Dan," Phil says.

"B-bt if our e-existence is p-pointless and-d mute, and w-we have n-no purpose, then-" Dan starts.

"Who cares if we have no purpose?" Phil says, "we can make ourselves a purpose. Who cares if when we die we won't be remembered forever? We'll be dead. Now should be the only time which matters because it's when you're here."

"But-"

"But nothing. Be happy now Dan, don't worry about later," Phil says with a smile.

That's easy for him to say. He's happy now and will be for the rest of time. But now for Dan, he's stuck with a black hole inside of him, eating away every positive thought and happy feeling.

Dan can't stop worrying about later, that's all he does. He worries that nothing will every change for him, that it will be twenty agonising years in the future and he'll still feel the same as he always does;

Freak-like, useless, isolated, irrelevant and everything in between.

***

phil

Phil leaves Dan alone for the rest of the lesson.

He can tell Dan is deep in thought from the way his eyes have this far away look to the way he's chewing his lip slightly. Phil wishes he could know Dan's thoughts, so that he could help him.

He knows Dan is sad, he feels like he doesn't belong, and maybe majority of the world thinks he doesn't belong, but Phil wants him to think he does.

It doesn't matter, the whole world could think Dan belongs, but the only person who would really need to believe he belongs in the end is Dan.

The way Phil sees it, the only person who can decide whether they belong or not is you yourself.

Phil leaves Dan after class and watches as he goes to sit by himself under a tree, his long legs bent up so his knees are against his chest. He rests his head on his knees and closes his eyes, earphones in his ears and a relaxes expression on his face.

Phil makes a mental note to speak to Dan later, but for now he looks peaceful and calm, so Phil will leave him.

"Phil!" Pj says, running over to him excitedly, "you'll never guess what happened!!"

"What?" Phil asks, raising his eyebrows.

"I PASSED MY MATH TEST FUCK YEAH!" Pj says happily, slinging an arm around Phil, "this year is looking very much up."

"That's great Peej," Phil says, still looking over at Dan, "congrats."

"Stop staring at your new boyfriend and just go sit with him," Pj says.

"But-" Phil starts.

"Just go."

Phil nods and walks over to Dan, standing over him again. His earphones are gone so he's just hugging his knees, staring at the ground with an empty expression. He's so lost in his mind he doesn't even see Phil approach him.

"Phil, w-what-" Dan stammers.

"What are you doing?" Phil asks gently, looking down at Dan.

"I-I'm h-having an e-existential c-c-crisis,"  Dan replies, looking down at the grass beneath his shoes.

There's a moment of silence between them before Phil just sits beside Dan on the ground, mimicking his position and staring at the ground as well. Dan stares at him for a few moments, confused and surprised at his actions.

"W-what a-re you d-doing?" Dan asks quietly.

"I'm sitting with you while you have an existential crisis," Phil says with a smile.

Dan pauses, looking at Phil like he's trying to work out whether it's a joke or not. After a moment, Dan gives Phil the tiniest smile.

"Th-thanks."

*****************

an// heyo hope you enjoyed! Sorry it's a bit late but I was super busy and GOT A PUPPY

Thanks so much for 4 K followers, how did that happen?? Like I got another 2K followers in like a few weeks wth??

Also, I have a rant: TWENTY ONE PILOTS ARE COMING TO A CITY NEAR ME AND MY FRIENDS AND I REALLY WANTED TO GO, BUT THEY HAD LIKE THREE PRESALES WHICH SOLD MAJORITY OF THE TICKETS SO WHEN THE ACTUAL SALE CAME AROUND THERE WASNT MANY TICKETS LEFT SO THEY SOLD OUT IN 10 SECONDS AND HEAPS OF PEOPLE JUST BOUGHT TEN TICKETS AND ARE NOW SELLING THEM FOR LIKE $200 when they were only $60 AND SO WE MISSED OUT ON TICKETS AND IM PISSED BECAUSE WE COULD ENJOY THOSE TICKETS BUT NO PEOPLE JUST WANT TO MAKE FUCKING MONEY AND NOT JUST ENJOY THEIR MUSIC AHDJSLSBEObw

so anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter! I love writing this book sm ^_^

p.s: my friend and I hope to start the yt soon it's just finding the time ^_^