Music in my Soul

Why Steve Really Left the Avengers

Love, it's a weird word. We all think about finding true love, some even from the moment they first open their eyes. We hope to never be alone, but some of us don't get that joy. Sometimes we give love, but never receive it, not from the one we truly want anyways.

I gave all of my love to someone once. Every moment I lived was for him. He loved my too, but not nearly as much as I loved him. I remember each moment we spent together, every sweet word that passed his lips, meant only for my ears. The way my heart would stop when he smiled at me. How he would kiss the top of my head when I was scared, or tried to at least. I remember the day I finally said goodbye.

"Tony?"

"Down here Steve!"

I walked down the stairs to Tony's lab, dread growing in my heart with each step. I opened the door slowly, trying to keep the pain at bay for as long as possible.

Tony turned around when I walked in and instantly wrapped me up in a hug. I couldn't stop myself from hugging him back. Tony stepped back and flashed me his amazing smile.

"What brings you down to Stark Labs?"

"I hope this junk filled room isn't all there is of your business Tony."

Tony laughed and sat back down at his work table.

"No Pepper is taking care of the actual business right now."

"Oh." I walked over and took a seat next to Tony.

I watched as he started to tinker with some new gadget for one of his suits. I just sat there and watched him for awhile. This was a normal routine for us. I would sit there and smile as he struggled to make whatever crazy plan he had in his head come to life. Sometimes he would lean on my shoulder to show me his progress and explain what everything did.

His eyes would light up every time I asked a question and his mouth would start to run a mile a minute. Oh how I wish I could just silence him with a kiss, but no, he wouldn't want that. He didn't want me, at least not in the way I wanted him, not when he was sober.

"Tony?"

He turned to me and smiled. "Yes Cap?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and finally asked the one question I never wanted an answer to.

"Do you remember what you say and do when you are drunk?"

Tony looked at me for a moment before smiling and shaking his head.

"Not usually, I'm too far gone by the end of the night, but sometimes it comes back later. Why?"

I shook my head. There was only one thing I wanted to say to him.

"Drunk words are sober thoughts." I whispered and stood. "But how I wish you said those things when you were sober."

I left the lab and a shocked Tony. I could barely see past the tears that threatened to escape. It wasn't safe to be around hundreds of things that remind me of him.

The random car parts and slight hint of grease in the air. His ridiculously loud speaker system and lack of books to read. It all pierced my heart.

The things he did when his mind was not his own stole my heart away. He would insist on walking my to the door to my room, which was quite ridiculous considering my room was right down the hall from the living room where we had all just been, but it was endearing just the same. It was like being back in the 40s. He would kiss me when he was drunk too. He never thought I knew, but it's pretty hard to miss someone placing kisses on your shoulder.

What I'll miss the most is the cuddling. We would watch movies all the time, he said I needed to catch up with the times, and of course I agreed. It would start out just normal, both of us just sitting under the blanket, but not too long after the movie started one of us would be lounging on the other, fingers intertwined. That would happen when he was sober too.

We somehow always found a way to be close to each other, but no more. I can't take the pain of seeing him with her knowing that he will never look at me like that. I thought that maybe he would be the one person to love me as unconditionally as I loved those around me. I thought for once I would get the happy ending, but a happy ending isn't for me. People have to care about you to have a happy ending.

I had stopped running and was sitting on a park bench in central park. I couldn't stop myself so I just let the tears go. Someone once said to me that tears were not a sign of weakness, but a sign that you had been strong for too long. Maybe they were right. I didn't want to be the one that was always okay. I wanted just one person to see that I was anything but.

I don't know how long I sat on that bench, but it seemed like a life time. In was about to leave when he sat down next to me.

"I'm sorry Steve. What I said, what I did, it wasn't okay. You are my friend and I shouldn't have hurt you like that."

"Its okay Tony, I just...it's okay."

Tony nodded "I'll miss you." He whispered looking up at me.

I could see the sadness in his eyes. I pulled him into one last hug and I finally did what I wanted to do most. I kissed him gently on the forehead and stood up.

"I will miss you Tony, more than you will ever know. Goodbye you weirdo."

"Goodbye Steve."

Those were the last words I ever heard from Tony, the man I had loved for nearly four years. The man I just wanted to make happy. The man that I wanted to love me as much as I loved me him, but sometimes all you can do is love them unconditionally and watch them be happy with their love.