Bitter & Sassy (Louis Tomlinson)

Chapter 35 ~ Documentary & Epiphany

I look at Kay for confirmation and she nods but there’s no emotion in her features and I want to see her smile at my response, at the way I see my best friends. “What do you think it’s what you’ve learnt during the journey?” Is the next question and I have to think, so I quit looking at her.

“That we have our ups and down, but we’re always there for each other. If I’m not feeling well they will get worried and…” I stop, realising the meaning of my own words. “… And they will do anything to make me feel better, even if I don’t know myself I want to get better.”

Kay looks at me, noticing what I’ve said, too. The lads nagged me so much because we’re a family, because they care about me and want to see me better and I wasn’t okay. I was hurting, I was miserable and they did all what they could. And Kay… she worked so hard! I see all what she’s done, the teasing, the jokes, the shouting… everything just so I would leave my comfort zone and face the reality: I wasn’t okay. I’m not okay.

I meet her eyes and for an intense period of time, no one says anything, but I can only look at her. She confused me, she shook everything up for me and pushed me even when I didn’t want to. She messed with my head so I would have to think and question everything… so I would find meaning and see I wasn’t doing okay.

She wasn’t just annoying me… she was helping me.

Kay breaks the eye contact and reads the next question.

“Tells us about your music. Does it reflect who you are?” And her voice is cold again but I sense a slight tremble at the end.

“Yes, it has always reflected us. From the beginning, when we didn’t know what we were doing, when we only followed orders, to this very moment. Now we know who we are, what we like and what we want to say and we put that in out music, in our performances. We grew… like our fans grew. We changed, and we’re still changing. We’ll never be the same and there will be better groups out there, but we will always be true to ourselves and enjoy the moment.” I breathe in deeply after that answer. I don't know why I didn’t see this before. Of course some fans will leave, because everyone is changing. Of course there will be other bands better than us, but that doesn’t mean we’re bad or not good enough.

I’m not the same person Eleanor met and she is not the same person I met. We changed and that’s why we couldn’t be together anymore. That’s why she found someone who could be with the Eleanor of now. That’s why I didn’t fight for her, because I also knew we weren’t the same people and we didn’t belong together anymore.

Why the fuck didn’t I realise this before?

“Would you change something in your life?” Kay asks me and I look at her for a few seconds before looking at the camera again.

“Absolutely nothing.” I wouldn’t change a thing, not even my breakup with Eleanor because what happened had to happen. Why didn’t I see this before? Why am I having this epiphany only now?

I look at Kay but she is not smiling or anything, she is only business and ice. And she makes more questions about how I feel regarding the band, the tour, my family, my friends, my life before and after One Direction.

“That’s all for today. If you wanna finish with this now you can give the ‘fans’ a tour for the venue. That’s why we make with every one of you in a different country. We normally take a few days to do this, but I guess you want to finish this now, so we—”

“We can take as long as you want,” I hurry to say because I don’t want this to end. I want her to keep talking to me.

Kay looks at me confused but she shrugs. “Whatever you want.” She makes a signal for Peter and he puts down the camera and microphone. “Tomorrow Peter will go for you and—”