Bitter & Sassy (Louis Tomlinson)

Chapter 10 ~ Voices & Harry

     I don’t even hate her more than before. No, not at all. I’m fine. I’m perfectly fine. What I know doesn’t affect me in the slightest. She is just like any other out there, no difference. That she doesn’t really care isn’t new information, I knew this from the very beginning. I’m not surprised. I’m not hurt. I don’t care about her and the things she does. She can try to conquer the world and I wouldn’t care. Kay is nothing in my life. I don’t care.

I don’t care.

I don’t bloody care.

And I’m tired of your bullshit! A voice screams in my head and I stop, frozen. Am I going crazy?

I blink a couple of times, still without moving a single muscle, hoping to hear that voice again, but nothing happens. It was a masculine voice, familiar yet I don’t recognise it immediately. I have to think long and hard to put the piece together.

You see, when you hear your voice recorded and you say: that can’t be me! It sounds so different yet you know it’s you. Well, that voice that shouted in my head was me… I heard myself. And now I’m thinking of seeing a psychiatrist. I know many people say they can hear an inner voice telling them what to do and stuff, but I never thought it was literal. I never thought people could actually hear themselves. Either way, my inner voice isn’t helping.

What bullshit? I’m just speaking the truth. That Kay only sees me as a challenge isn’t relevant to my life. She said she wanted me to fall in love with her just to amuse herself. Films and books always have the boy vowing to make the girl fall in love with him; normally for something awful and stupid like a bet or a dare. Films and books don’t show that girls do the same, that they are even worse.

Why me? Why couldn’t she find a challenge in someone else? Why doesn’t she really care?

I stop myself… again, when I realise what I’ve asked. I try to tell myself that I don’t care, she can fuck herself for all it matters, but truth be told… I was hoping she really cared. I was starting to believe she really wanted to help me. Not that I need help, but you get what I mean.

That she never backed off made me think she really wanted to change me, more than any of the guys. I know they want to do something, but when I tell them to leave me alone, they leave me alone. Not Kay. And I thought it was because she maybe cared more than the others, so much she couldn’t accept a go away for an answer. I was starting to think that; I still couldn’t understand why.

But now I do.

It’s not that she ever cared. No. It was that she saw a challenge in me when we met, when she saw me hating on every woman and swearing not to need anyone by my side, she saw a challenge. She saw this guy who wanted to be alone and set her mind in making him want to have someone. Well, who’s laughing now? I figured her out and she won’t win. If I ever decide to fall for someone again, which I doubt it will ever happen, it’s not going to be her.

And even if it weren’t a challenge for her, even if I were determined to try and ‘get over’ this stage in my life, I would never fall for someone like Kay. She clearly doesn’t take things seriously, she is the kind that walks away when she gets bored instead of trying. That’s why she is trying with me, only because she can’t get bored, because I’m still her impossible challenge.

I could never be with someone like her, regardless my hatred of women, in spite of not wanting to be in a relationship ever again. Kay Evans and I would never happen. I would never trust her to fight for the relationship.

That’s why I don’t care if she only sees me as a challenge, because I don’t care about her.

I resume my walking, away from everyone, where no one can see me, where no one can find me. I know I should be back and keep rehearsing. Although we sound great already, we can sound even better; but I don’t want to see anyone right now. I just want to be left alone and I want to stop thinking. That seems to be the only think I do lately. I think, think and think about everything. And I’m tired. For a moment I want to forget everything and just breathe.