What A Smile Really Hides

Chapter 1 - 2/6/13

I thought we were moving because mom finally got a job, when I saw the run down apartment with one bed, one bath, and no dinning room I knew we were actually just broke. I looked at my mother for answers but the best I got was, "Your dad isn't handing over as much cash as he used to." So that's why we moved, my dad isn't paying as much child support as he used to. When she gets drunk tonight she'll probably claim it's all my fault and that I made him leave. Just like she does every. Single. Night.

Sorry if I'm coming across as rude, actually I'm not, well maybe I am. I should probably introduce myself. Hi, my name's Alex and I'm insane. I always learned to introduce yourself with an interesting fact about yourself and everyone seems to love knowing what's wrong with me. The doctors will almost never tell you you're insane to your face but I've heard the gossip that goes on around those offices, a whole bunch of he's crazy and she's crazy. Well now that you know me lets get back to the story.

"Hey mom, what're we gonna do about my medication and doctors appointments? Do they even have good doctors around here? What if they don't take our insurance? What if-"

"Alex, shut up! Did you take your meds today?" I nod my head. "All of them?"

"Um, I took depression, bipolar, and ADHD."

"Anxiety?"

"Whoops."

"Just don't forget them tomorrow. I'll go to the library tomorrow while you're at school and check the local phone book for crazy people doctors."

"It's not nice to call people crazy mom."

"I'm not calling everyone crazy, I'm calling you insane."

"Insane or crazy? Make up your mind."

"How 'bout insanely crazy?" Believe it or not conversations like this were common between the two of us. We always tried to make jokes about my issues to make them seem less real and easier to deal with. You're probably confused and yelling 'I thought she was a drunk! You guys should hate each other!' I only hate her when she's drunk, when she's sober she's my best friend, she doesn't usually remember much from when she's drunk so to make it easier on her I never tell her the things she yells at me because I know she doesn't mean them, she's just angry.

My mom's the only person that gets to see my real smiles, she's the only person who makes me happy. She knows that some days it's better to just leave me alone, she can usually tell when to leave me alone by how bad her hangover is because she knows I hate it when she drinks.

"Hey mom?"

"Hm?"

"Are you gonna try to get a job?"

"Probably, not many people want to hire someone that can only work certain hours. I can only work from 8-3 because I need to be able to get you to and from school."

"I can always walk."

"Why do you want me to get a job so badly?"

"All you do is sit at home, that can't be healthy."

"I'm guessing that by that you mean all I do is sit around and drink."

"Well you do that too."

"I know you don't like it when I drink but sometimes it's nice to forget things."

"I'd like to forget things but I don't drink until I pass out on the couch every night."

"Alex, can we please go one day without arguing?" She was rubbing her temples.

"Why? Are you too hungover?"

"You know what? Yes, I'm too fucking hungover for this!"

"I'm done, I'm done with this. I'm gonna go unpack my room."

"Our room."

"As if you'll make it to bed at night." I quickly grabbed my box and went to the room, the movers had already brought our furniture in so all I had to do was put my clothes away and make my bed. I seem to just keep stating contrasting facts, I said I only hate her when she's drinking yet here I am yelling at her, I also hate it when she complains about her hangovers when she can stop them by not drinking.

I sat on my bed, just staring at the wall. Crying seemed like too much work and it always makes me feel tired, I want to wait until tonight to sleep so I can actually get a good night's sleep before my first day in a new school. I played down and wrapped myself in a blanket, I didn't want to sleep but apparently my mother hasn't figured out how to turn on the heating in this place. While I was laying there angrily I managed to drift off to sleep, so much for staying awake.