So Not Happening

Chapter Two: Plus We Have To Teach Bella Here How To Milk A Cow

Chapter Two: "Plus we have to teach Bella here how to milk a cow."

~♡~

There is nothing like watching your mother dance in the arms of a giant of a man who is not your father.

As I pick at my rubbery chicken breast and limp green beans, I stare at Jake. Wearing a goofy grin, he spins my mom to some Michael Bublé tune about how sweet love is. Sweet? I think it's nauseating. Totally hurl-worthy.

I watch my mom's aunt Shirley shimmy her girth under the limbo pole. My mother's parents died before I was born, so there wasn't a lot of family on the bride's side of the chapel.

My phone rings and I slap it open. "Hey."

"Do I hear the chicken dance?" There is absolutely no sincerity in my best friend Mia's voice. "How's the wedding of the New York socialite and the merry widower?"

The ink on my parents divorce papers is barely dry and my mom hauls me to Oklahoma, over a thousand miles away from my friends, my dad, and my home. And for what? To live with some oaf and his two bratty sons. On a farm no less. If I have to slop some hogs, I am on the first plane back to Manhattan.

"Just counting the seconds until they leave for their honeymoon and I fly back to New York." I'm staying with my dad while Mom and Jake rendezvous in Jamaica. Hopefully I can talk Dad into letting me stay. Forever.

"How are the stepbrothers?"

"Mutants, just like last time I them." I stab a piece of cake with my fork. "I don't trust these people, Mia. Especially Jake. What's that guy got up his sleeve that he would charm my mom into marrying him? I Googled the guy, and I found nothing. Don't you find that strange?"

"Er . . . no."

"What if Jake Finley isn't his real name? It could be his alias. He could have a prison record."

"You think he's a---"

"Psychopathic, serial-killing, online predator?" I nod. "Just one of the many possibilities I have to face here."

"I think you're overreacting."

"And I think I know trouble when I see it." I write an advice column for our school Web site, so I deal with problems daily. I know all about catastrophe.

"Oh, Bella . . ."

"My mom just married a total stranger, I will soon live at a zoo, and my new six-year-old stepbrother is dipping his Batman doll in the punch bowl." I drag my hand through my chestnut locks. "Am I the only one who sees the problem here?"

"You can do this. Where's our little optimist?"

"She's in New York. Where her life is." After we hang up, I grab a napkin and blow my nose. Right on the part that says Jacob and Jillian Finley.

This all happened so fast. I still don't understand it all. One minute my mom is e-mailing this guy and then six months later, they're married. And I can't call my dad. He doesn't get in from Tahiti until tomorrow morning, in time to pick me up at the airport. Yeah, he's wrapping up another vacation with his latest barley legal girlfriend, whose name I forgot. Something like Kippy, Kimmie, or Magenta. I'm serious. The last girl I met---her name was Magenta. With a name like that, you know she has to be a stripper. It's her destiny.

So both of my parents are totally messed up right now. One thinks she's found true love. Again. And the other is currently dating through the alphabet.

"Bella!" My mother breaks through the masses, pulling What's-His-Name behind her by the hand. After a group hug, in which Jake stands uncomfortably, still linked to Mom, an awkward silence falls.

I take this opportunity to stare at Jake, taking in his gargantuan form, his outdated ponytail, and the little scar over his right brow.
Do you get that you're ruining my life? If you're an ax murderer, I want you to know I am so on to you. My dad knows tae kwon do, and if you ever raise your voice at me, he will whip out his black belt and go all Jackie Chan on you.

"Bel, I can't wait until this week is up and we're all back together. We're going to spend some quality time with one another before school starts. Get adjusted." My mom leans into her new husband.

Going to. Hurl.

"Plus we have to teach Bella here how to milk a cow." Jake winks and everyone laughs. Except me.

Okay, God, I don't know what you're up to, but this is not my idea of a good time. How could you do this to me? How could you rip me from my home and drop me here--- in Hicksville? Because, God--- Oklahoma? It's not okay.

☆Author's Notes☆

Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed reading this chapter!

This chapter's question is . . .

Have you ever had to eat rubbery chicken breast and limp green beans?

Remember to ask anything that's on you mind! Your votes and comments are very much appreciated! :)

-Tessa