Perfect Redemption

Thirty: In Which She Loves Him Goodbye

    "We'll get him out of this, Blaire. We will," he says. I don't know how he can still be so determined after the shit that we've been through last night. "We'll figure something out—"

    "No," I cut him off. "It's not possible. We can't get him out of this. Not unless I take I'm there to take all the blame."

    He stares at me, the realization slowly sinking into him. "What are you saying, Blaire?" He asks softly.

    I close my eyes and look away because I don't want to see the hurt that crosses his face when I say it.

    "I'm going to turn myself in."

    I hadn't realize that I made my choice until I said those words.

    And I hadn't realize Jax had made his too.

    "No." Jax says in finality. "No. You're not."

    "Jackson—"

    "No!" He raises his voice and I flinch. "No no no no, you can't—you can't do this—"

"I have to," I stand up and cross the room so I'm facing him. I slide my hand over his face and force him to look at me. We're chest-to-chest and I can see the devastation that is wrecking his entire face and his body. He's looking at me, trying to search for any sign in my eyes that I'm lying, that I'm fooling him, but sadly, all he sees is the truth. "Jackson, I have to go."

    "But why?" He breathes. "Why do you have to go?"

    "Because if I don't, the only option is to run and I can't run anymore," I sigh. "I'm so tired of running, Jackson. I can't do it anymore. I can't run knowing that Ben is going to jail because of me. What kind of person does that make me if I left him to rot in there?"

"But what good will it do if you join him?" he retorts back.

"I... I don't know." I'm clutching my chest so hard because the pain is too much for me to hold back. "Maybe it wouldn't do him any good. But I just need the guilt to stop, Jackson. It hurts... it hurts so much. I just need it to stop."

    "No," he shakes his head. He gulps hard and closes his eyes briefly so I don't see the torment that I had just afflicted on him. "No, please don't do this. Please. I can't—" He takes a shaky breath as he presses his hands against his face. "I can't let you go, Blaire. I can't. Ben will understand-"

"What part of it being my decision do you not get?" I wrench his hands away from me. "It's not about Ben, god dammit. It's about me! I can't keep doing this anymore. Hiding in the shadows. Waiting for them to come and find me. And you know they will come and find me. It's only a matter of time before they do." I take a shaky breath. "All my life I've been taught to run. And this is what running has led me to. I need to break out of this vicious cycle and for once in my life, be the bigger person and own up to my damn mistakes. I keep telling you to do exactly that but I'm a hypocrite because I don't do it too. I... I need to do this, Jackson. For myself." I say. "So please, let me go, Jackson."

He shakes his head, refusing to listen to me. "No, no. I can't. I can't-"

    "But you have to."

    "But I don't want to!" He yells.

    "Jackson!" Why is he making this so goddamned difficult? "Please... please respect my decision. It's the only way to get out of this!"

"Screw this only way. We'll make our own way!"

    "Jackson, please." I'm already begging. "I know you're hurting but you know there's no other way out of this. Please, for the love of god, just let me go."